Expert: Jason Grabill - 1/21/2007

Question
Hello Sgt Grabill,

Thank you so much for your reply.  I must apologize for not responding until now. I ended up back at hospital for complications arising from that assault.  I ended up losing one of my kidneys, developed a serious infection post surgery and wound up on a breathing machine as a result. It's been hard coming to terms with all of this.  The homicide detectives are adding extra charges for this lastest thing as it was a part of the original assault.

I am trying not to do the "should have" stuff.  I realize I simply didn't have that much experience with relationships when I met this guy.  I didn't  know how to recognize the warning signs...I just thought was me being too sensitive to insults.  I know I am fortunate to be alive - twice now I guess given the kidney thing.  

I still suffer from severe headaches and blurry vision.  I cannot drive, cannot go to classes, and cannot do many of the other things I enjoy.  

I am  hoping when this is all over in court, to go into high schools and try to educate other young people about the warning signs of abuse.  I have talked to the homicide detecives about this idea and they seemed so impressed.  These two guys and their colleagues have been absolutely amazing towards me.  They are so protective, they came and saw me in hospital everyday, they sent flowers, they come by my mom's place,  they have a police unit outside 24/7 right now...is this how homicide detectives and other police officers usually are ?

Is it my age, the circumstances ? the situation ?

I can't say enough good things about them.

You guys are all awesome !!
Thankyou so much for your answer and for offering to be there via e-mail.  I may just take you up on that. I know these  detectives are very busy.

Breanna




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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Hello,
I am 19 years old and it appears I made a mistake in judgement with regards to my boyfriend.  He had seemed a really decent guy when we first met. I had no idea that it would turn into the hell it has.

He started to get a little pushy and aggresive but was just shoving me a little.  I got used to it and he would always apologize afterwards.  However,  one night about two months ago, things got really out of hand. He lost his temper and started hitting me.  He totally lost control of himself and picked up a vase and started smashing it over my head and in my face.  I couldn't stop him or get away and ended up losing consciousness.  When I woke up, it was 5 days later and I was in hospital.  Two detectives showed up and asked some questions.  They told me they were homicide detectives and that my BF was being charged with attempted homicide and numerous other charges.  He had fractured my skull in three places, broken my arm, my clavicle and several ribs. They said they had not seen this degree of violence for a long time in a domestic violence case.  They showed me pictures of the apartment and I was absolutely shocked.  There was blood everywhere, including the ceiling.

What I find hard to understand is why I made such a bad mistake judgement wise.   I was brought up in a middle class home, have always worked very hard in school -maintaining straight A's all along, and got into University on several scholarships.  Due to the injuries I sustained, I had to miss this current semester.  I was also very athletic and have a black belt in Judo.  I was a contender for the next Olympic games.  I may never realize that goal due to these injuries - particularly the skull fractures.

In any case, I am sure you think I am very stupid to have got mixed up with this guy but I wonder if you could tell me if you have seen many cases like this ?  
The homicide detectives are very nice guys but just look so sad everytime they visit me. I have trouble answering their questions because my concentration is so bad but they are very patient and understanding.  

I know I should have left him when he started shoving me but I didn't. It is my fault this happened to some degree.

I know that I am going to be asked to testify and I am terrified of doing so.  I have tried to explain this to the detectives but they are stating that they have no choice. They also said all the photos are very graphic and with the degree of severity of injuries, it shouldn't be too difficult to obtain a conviction.  

Is this true ?

Breanna
-----Answer-----
Breanna:

  First, you have my condolences for what happened to you.  Second, and MOST importantly, THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT.  While you may believe it's your fault, it's really not.  Most people, when faced with violence at such an intensely personal level, do exactly what you did, even with the level of training you have.  The most important thing now is that you heal, both physically and mentally, and that you prosecute the hell out of this bastard so he never does it again.

 I won't BS you, it will be difficult, but you can get through it.  Think of it as part of the overall healing process, to lock this guy up.  

 I have seen cases like this, many times.  Mentally abusing yourself about 'woulda/shoulda/coulda' doesn't help you at this point;  steel yourself for what lies ahead, and make it your mission in life to not only see him locked up, but to overcome your injuries and do whatever it is you want to do.  

 You can continue to email me through this site (several other folks in your similiar situation do so) and keep me updated on your progress, or ask more questions if you like.  I'd like that very much if you did.

 Take care.  You WILL get through this.  I'd also advise some counseling if at all possible, it will do wonders for you, I believe.  

All the best,
Jason  

Answer
Hi Breanna!  Glad you are on the mend...sort of, anyway..I know it will no doubt be a slow process, but just keep plugging away;  in the end, it will all be worth it, I promise.

Your idea of basically becoming a teacher is a good one, and keep working towards that goal, by all means!  I think it's a great way to turn this into something that can not only help you, but help others as well.  

Believe it or not, most cops are more sentimental than they like to let on.  It's probably a combination of all of the things you mentioned, and your determination and personality as well.  Cops who work homicide tend to get more involved with the victims of crime in more detail than do the regular patrol guys, and sometimes, although they aren't supposed to, get attached to the people that they are helping. I think it's a good thing, personally.

By all means, if you want to contact me via email, please do so.  And, keep me updated with your progress and how things are going.  One other person that I helped in a similiar situation still emails me from time to time to let me know how she's going.

Take care,
Jason