Expert: Cathy Clamp - 7/26/2008

Question
I have to write a letter to the school that I’m applying to as to why they should take accept me – I’m desperate to get in. If you could please help me out and add/delete and make it better, I’d really appreciate it, thank you.
------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr Jeanne Bathgate
Principal
Baulkham Hills High School
419A Windsor Road
Baulkham Hills
NSW  2153





24th July 2008

Dear Dr. Bathgate
My name is Jasmin Brad, I’m currently a year 10 student at Girraween High School and I wish to apply for year 11 for 2009.

I have many qualities that will be valuable to your school. I am a determined student, and ready to put in as much effort necessary to achieve the results I want. I’m also a willing learner, I love to learn about new things and am able to grasp new concepts fast.

I like to balance out my school life, not only do I enjoy my studies and spend time on them, but I also take part in many extracurricular activities at school, such as helping out in the canteen and the library. Currently, I’m participating in a program called High Resolves, which seeks to motivate young people, such as myself, to be purposeful global citizens and helps us understand how we can make a difference to the world. I also like to participate in both the athletics and cross-country carnivals –  and many times I’ve managed to reach zone level.

I will bring this determination and my friendly personality to your school.

Regards,




Jasmin


Answer
Hi, Jasmin!

Congratulations for taking the steps to improve yourself. That deserves a lot of praise so pat yourself on the back.

The letter is pretty good as it stands, but you might include a few things about your academic achievements---rather than just that you're a determined student. Is there something about the school that makes you want to go there? Do they have superior academic standards that will help you get into a better college, or do you really like a particular subject? A little flattery about WHY you want to go there will go a long way toward favoring your application.

Next, depending on the school, some teachers are fans of the serial comma, and some aren't. So, you want to make sure that you balance your sentences so they don't favor one method over the other. For example, the first whole paragraph is one sentence, when it can be two. You could easily insert a period after your name. Then, the first and second sentences of the third paragraph are quite long. A good rule of writing is that if you can't say the sentence out loud in one breath without rushing, it's too long. I'd recommend inserting a period after "I like to balance out my school life." Then start the new sentence with "Not only do I..." Then, with the next sentence, try a period after "High Resolves," and start the next sentence with "This [national/regional/local] group seeks to..."

Mostly, naming the group is a case of recognition. Will Dr. Bathgate recognize the High Resolves program you participate in? If not, then mention the scope of the group (national, regional, etc.) If it's a well-known organization, then you don't have to identify it. I don't live in Australia, so it's not familiar to me. But if it's a well known group, then you might send along something from the group (if you can get it in time for the deadline to apply to the school) that introduces you. Sort of a letter of recommendation from a group leader that talks about your achievements. Every bit of glowing praise you can get that sets you apart from other applicants is a good thing.

Hope this helps a little and good luck with your application!  Feel free to ask any other questions during the process. :)

Cathy