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Question
Hello. There is a particular sentence in my short that did not flow in the manner that I wanted. The sentence is as follows: "She quickly places the pocket watch chain on the desk and opens the pocket watch or tries to." This person is attempting to open a pocket watch in a state of excitement and then runs into that problem. Does the sentence still flow when written as so: She quickly places the pocket watch chain on the desk and opens the pocket watch . . . or tries to.
Hi, Aria,
This reads a lot like a homework assignment question, but I'm going to answer it without giving the specific areas of grammar in case it's not.
The problem you've got with this sentence is you're telling the reader two different things. You tell them she opens the watch and then immediately take it back with the "or tries to." Either she does or doesn't. Since she doesn't, remove the instance where she does.
Next, you've got two different items and you're trying to tie them together in one sentence. The character is throwing the CHAIN on the table, and then opening the watch. That confuses the reader because it seems like they're not connected. If they're not, then when did she grab the watch (and why mention the chain?) If they're connected, how can she throw the chain down and not the watch with it? Watch chains aren't very long.
Finally, the word "quickly" is a weaker word than some other choices that would convey the same message and is once again defeated by the next word, "places." Places implies slowness of movement. A better choice would be to remove "quickly places" and replace with "slammed" or "threw" which have the same meaning.
If I were to rewrite the sentence, I'd so something like:
She threw the pocket watch on the desk and struggled to open it.
"Throw" implies the speed you want and the state of excitement is conveyed by "struggled".
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Cathy
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Answers by Expert:
Cathy Clamp
Expertise
I'm happy to answer questions about any aspect of writing articles, short stories and novels, from the beginning kernel of an idea through completion. I can help with writing a query letter and synopsis to an agent or editor. I can explain publishing terminology and acronyms. I can also assist with questions about verifying the credentials of agents/publishers and how to proceed once you've been accepted for publication. I can teach the rules of formatting a manuscript, creating viable plots, characterization and flow in the following genres: romance, science fiction, fantasy, thrillers, suspense, horror, women's fiction, mainstream and mystery. I can also answer questions about writing for major print magazines in the outdoor genre (hunting/fishing/boating/travel.)
Experience
I'm a USA Today bestselling author of urban fantasy and paranormal romance for Tor/Forge Books . Along with a co-author, I've published fifteen mass market novels since 2004, and have contracts for four more books through 2011. I've also published more than two dozen feature articles in leading outdoor magazines.
Organizations
Romance Writers of America, Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America, International Thriller Writers, Western Outdoor Writers, Horror Writers of America, National Association of Legal Assistants.
Publications
Magazines--Guns & Ammo, Fur-Fish-Game, Rocky Mountain Game & Fish, Deer & Deer Hunting. Many others.
Novels/Anthologies--Tor/Forge Books, Western Reflections Publishing, BenBella Books, Running Press, Wild Child Publishing. Many others.
Education/Credentials
Published Author. Published Freelance Writer. Certified Paralegal with specialities in intellectual property (copyright, trademark, patent) and real estate.
Awards and Honors
USA Today bestseller, Waldenbooks Mass Market Paperback Top 20 bestseller, Nielsen BookScan Top 20 bestseller, Romantic Times Career Achievement Award, 2009, Write Touch Readers Award, EVVY Award, The Lories Best Paranormal. Many others.
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