Expert: Dear Tabbi - 9/15/2009

Question
Dear Tabbi:

I have a very vocal 1 year old spayed female (Bella) who recently lost her male cat companion (Botero) who suddenly became ill and had to be put to sleep.  This all took place within one day so, I am not sure if she knows what happened, all I know is that the next day she woke up looking for him and obviously has not found him.  We are both very grief stricken and I have been trying to spend as much time with her as possible for I know she is lonely and misses him. I give her special time, I play, pet her, she has lots of toys and gets plenty of treats.   Bella has always been a very vocal cat, but now she spends all day crying for him, and often crying at me (it looks like she is yelling at me, or at least trying to get my attention).

There is nothing physically wrong with her, I am sure it is only grief.  When I play with her the crying subsides for a bit, but she often continues to cry while we play.  She is not overgrooming, and she is eating fine, sticking to her normal routine.. except for the constant crying.

I know she gets lonely during the day, Botero was her friend and she has always lived with him (he was my first cat, she became my second cat).

I am not able to get another cat, it is too soon, I am not emotionally ready and I am still dealing with these feelings myself.  The crying is really stressful, and I love her with all my heart, I wonder what can I do to relief her emotional pain.  I have even given her Rescue Remedy drops for grief (water willow).

Like I said she has always been very chatty but this new behavior is beyond her normal talking levels and I am at a loss here. Any advice would really help.

Answer
Dally,

Cats are only ours for a short time, and sometimes that time is shorter than normal. And when you have pets, unfortunately things can happen to them, either medically or an accident. Remember, he KNEW he was loved.

Go somewhere quiet and peaceful (a park, the mountains, the country, etc.) and grieve for the the cat....and send him on his way. Then keep busy...don't dwell on his death...it's over and NOTHING can change that. He will be pain free and happy. It does get easier in time, but it is like losing a beloved human family member and best friend. Many people have argued that comment and said it is NOT like losing a family member, that it is just an animal. I disagree with them. My cats are "furmans"...little creatures with fur who THINK they are human.

A suggestion: make a donation to a shelter in his name, OR save a kitty that is bound to be put down because of over-crowding and/or because it is unwanted. Maybe a cat who lost his owner, or they didn't want it anymore, and the cat is now sad and confused and will be put to death only because no one wants it. When your cat passes, have his death have meaning by doing something positive for another poor kitty. Another cat will NEVER take the place of your kitty, but it can share a place in your heart and take away some of the emptiness in your home for you and for your surviving cat.

Your other cat may grieve for up to 6 months for his 'friend', that is normal. Cat's do not have any concept of death, so your other cat is looking for him and missing him. Getting another cat about his same age and temperament may or may not help. But since your cat is young, a friend may take away some of the loneliness, and keep the cat's mind off the cat that passed. And yours too!

Here is a link to an excellent article about cat grief:
(copy and paste or type the whole links into your address bar)

http://www.messybeast.com/cat-grief.htm

I am also including some excellent links on losing a cat and support:

http://www.2ndchance.info/grieving.htm
http://www.pet-loss.net/links.html

AND, here is a WONDERFUL website where you can have a lasting memorial for your pet, or share your pain with others who have lost beloved companion animals. It's a very beautiful and moving site:

http://rainbowsbridge.com/hello.htm

Again, I'm sorry about your kitty's friend.

Tabbi