Expert: J.M.J. West - 3/26/2008

Question
QUESTION: Good day ,
i was born a melkite creek catholique in a middle eastern country my mother is orthodox , i have been dating this men for 5 years , he is from a different faith not a christian, we are talking about getting married and we know its going to b difficult , i was raised as a devout catholic , used to be in the church choir , was baptised , had my first comunion and was part of an activity  at school twice a week that was hosted by a nun for catholics. I beleive and have very strong faith in my religion, my partner is a non devouted muslim , does not pray, observe ramadan , eats pork and drinks some wine as well. he has no objection marrying in catholic church or baptizing the kids , and he also has no problems with me teaching my kids what i know , he plans on  giving them then basics of his religion as simple information but they will mostly be following my faith. my questions is i do not want to get married by anyone but my catholic church and catholic priest it is mandatory to me is that going to be an obstacle and what is required in order to get married in church from me or my partner?

ANSWER: The basic problems in inter-faith marriages are:

1) Faith is a massively important factor in life, and as a Catholic one is obliged to bring up their children in a Catholic household, with an understanding and active participation in the church.

2) Differences in faiths between spouses can lead to many arguments and problems not foreseen early on.

3) Being not between two baptized persons, it is not a sacramental marriage, and the therefore the same graces are not made present.  You may still get married, but it would only be a natural marriage, because your husband would be incapable of being in a sacramental marriage.  You would not be married "in the church" due to this reason.

4) Children often model their Fathers when it comes to faith, so you'd want to make sure that you're putting up a very strong example of the catholic faith (there is nothing inherently wrong about them learning about Islam, but I'd urge you to share with them Catholic books about the subject too).

Also, have you asked your husband about converting?  If he doesn't take his faith too seriously to begin with, then maybe he's needing something more.  You might look into RCIA classes in your area.

If you have any questions, let me know; otherwise talk to your priest for further information and instruction.

Pax Christi,

-J.M.J. West

NOTE: The catechism says the following:

Mixed marriages and disparity of cult

1633 In many countries the situation of a mixed marriage (marriage between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic) often arises. It requires particular attention on the part of couples and their pastors. A case of marriage with disparity of cult (between a Catholic and a nonbaptized person) requires even greater circumspection.

1634 Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ. But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise.

1635 According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express permission of ecclesiastical authority.135 In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage.136 This permission or dispensation presupposes that both parties know and do not exclude the essential ends and properties of marriage; and furthermore that the Catholic party confirms the obligations, which have been made known to the non-Catholic party, of preserving his or her own faith and ensuring the baptism and education of the children in the Catholic Church.137

1636 Through ecumenical dialogue Christian communities in many regions have been able to put into effect a common pastoral practice for mixed marriages. Its task is to help such couples live out their particular situation in the light of faith, overcome the tensions between the couple's obligations to each other and towards their ecclesial communities, and encourage the flowering of what is common to them in faith and respect for what separates them.

1637 In marriages with disparity of cult the Catholic spouse has a particular task: "For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband."138 It is a great joy for the Christian spouse and for the Church if this "consecration" should lead to the free conversion of the other spouse to the Christian faith.139 Sincere married love, the humble and patient practice of the family virtues, and perseverance in prayer can prepare the non-believing spouse to accept the grace of conversion.

More here: http://www.vatican.va/archive/catechism/p2s2c3a7.htm


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I understand from your answer , that i cannot be married in a church and therefore i would be commiting a sin before God?i will not feel married if it is not a marriage by a priest and if i know that i am commiting a sin, can you help me at all , this is very difficult for me.

ANSWER: Marrying a non-Christian poses many problems that have to be resolved, but it is not a sin.  Paul deals with many of the early Christians who lived in such relationships in 1 Corinthians 7.

When one spouse is not baptized, what takes place is a "natural marriage", not a sacramental marriage.  A sacramental marriage can only take place between two baptized persons.  The couple will still exchange vows, and my do so in the context of a prayer service, but not a Mass. A separate dispensation from the local bishop is needed when a Catholic marries an unbaptized person, but this is not too difficult to obtain.

As it is, you are never married "by a priest", even in a sacramental marriage - marriage is the one sacrament administered by the couple.  The priest serves as a witness for the Church.

This matter shouldn't be to difficult to resolve as far as getting the dispensation(s) necessary, but again, make sure you are both clear in understanding what is expected of you as a Catholic parent.  Discussing this with your local priest should help resolve any issues.

Hope that helps!

Pax Christi,

-Justin



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: you a catholic priest yourself is that correct?! have you ever performed such marriages , will a priest perform my natural marriage ? i know that sacraments are really important in my faith , but is it something i will be judged for in the after life if i don't have this sacrament , i know there is baptism -communion-confirmation-marriage and "extreme unction" ( in french ) i don't know the exact word in English but its the last sacrament right before a catholic dies , am i correct with my information ? this is what i remember from my teachings. if i don't have all 5 of them am i going to be judge form that in my after life , in terms of the kids , i know i am a very devout catholic and i will do everything in my power to have my kids brought up as catholics , even now we are not married and don't live together yet  all our entourage in catholic and he celebrates with me , he has been with me tai church to see a baptism which i tough was important for him to know and see , he obviously doesn't want to give up on what he was born with and what his family is and i understand him he will give the kids some basics of Islam but they will not follow Islam courses , i will be teaching them catholic faith as i know a lot about it and preferably will have them put in a catholic private school, my dilemma is , if i decide to break it off i might not necessary meet a catholic and even if i do he might not be a devout catholic , so my issue really is my marriage i honestly want it to be celebrated by a priest and cant i have it done in a church ( inside the building of the church) ?

Answer
"you a catholic priest yourself is that correct?!"

No.  I'm a married layman.

"have you ever performed such marriages , will a priest perform my natural marriage?"  

A priest may lead the prayer service; he will not "perform" the marriage because the marriage will not be a sacrament; and even were it a sacrament, it would be the couple, not the priest, who perform the sacrament.  The priest serves as a witness for the Church, and to perform the mass where applicable.

"i know that sacraments are really important in my faith , but is it something i will be judged for in the after life if i don't have this sacrament , i know there is baptism -communion-confirmation-marriage and "extreme unction" ( in french ) i don't know the exact word in English but its the last sacrament right before a catholic dies , am i correct with my information ? this is what i remember from my teachings. if i don't have all 5 of them am i going to be judge form that in my after life"

The sacraments are conduits of sanctifying grace, and it is by this grace that we are saved.  Grace is the very life of God within us, and Heaven will be us filled to the brim with God's grace.

There are seven total sacraments:

The sacraments of Initiation:
-Baptism
-Confirmation
-Eucharist

The sacraments of Healing:
-Confession/Reconciliation/Penance
-Last Rites/Extreme Unction/Annointing of the Sick

The sacraments of Vocation:
-Marriage
-Priesthood

Nobody is expected to get all 7.  The first 3 are the ones that bring us into the Church, and you ought to receive them unless there is no ability (like the good thief on the cross at Christ's crucifixion).  The Second three are the ones that help us to persevere in our faith.

The last two, Marriage and the Priesthood, just simply are not sacraments for everyone.  They are not required of any of the faithful, but they sanctify two vocational paths (choices of a way of life) for the Christian.  You will not be judged for not receiving sacramental marriage, per se.  You MIGHT be judged in some way for not seeking to lead you husband to the Church and thereby partake in a sacramental marriage, but only God can Judge that and only your future-husband can make that decision to convert; God judges the heart of all, including you and your husband, and he knows if your intentions are good.

"in terms of the kids , i know i am a very devout catholic and i will do everything in my power to have my kids brought up as catholics "

This is good.

"my dilemma is , if i decide to break it off i might not necessary meet a catholic and even if i do he might not be a devout catholic , so my issue really is my marriage"

This by itself is not a good reason either to marry somebody, or not to seek a better spouse.  

...I assume there are other factors though, like mutual love.

"i honestly want it to be celebrated by a priest and cant i have it done in a church ( inside the building of the church) ?"

With a dispensation from the bishop, it the ceremony could be performed within the walls of a church building.  A priest might be able to be the minister of the civil union, but you'd have to run that by him.

Hopefully that helps!

Pax Christi,

-J.M.J. West