Expert: Tom Schott - 9/23/2008

Question
My husband and I are Catholic but have been estranged for a long time. We have 3 children, boys 12 and 14 who love him, and a 16 year old daughter who doesn’t treat him so well. About 2 years ago I forced him to leave home. He found an in-law apartment in the home of a couple from our parish that is a short walk from here. So the boys visit him all the time and often stay overnight. He takes them to Mass every week.

Recently I’ve had health issues. I had a large tumor removed. It was not cancerous but it gave me a scare and was a major operation. Before my operation I asked my husband to return home. He e-mailed me thank you but I’m fine where I am. My sister had stay with me to take care of me.  My other issues included arthritis. I am not disabled but I need more help than I used to.

You might ask why would I want my husband back if I kicked him out even with my health issues. In short he’s really not a bad guy. He’s never been a great provider, a sore spot in our marriage, but he works constantly and pays the mortgage and bills. He doesn’t spend much on himself. He’s never violent or dangerous. He has no alcohol problem and never has used drugs. As I said the boys love him and even our daughter likes him. He has no health issues. He’s healthy and fit and can be useful and helpful around here. And he’s never cheated on me.

The counselor I go to met him once. She thinks he looks good and young for his age. She wonders if he has a girlfriend now and that’s why he doesn’t want to return. I doubt it. His big fear when he left was he wouldn’t see his sons. As I said he sees the boys often. So he doesn’t need to come home to see them. Before I kicked him out I refused him sex for years. He didn’t like that but got used to it. He kept his sexual urge under control so well he never showed it. Because of the couple who own and live in the home where his apartment is and because the boys visit him there often he could not keep a woman there even for a short time. And I think he feels women are a big nuisance and doesn’t want to bother with them. I doubt it’s a woman.

To get him to return I promised to cook for him and do his laundry. I have a history of badgering and badmouthing him a lot. So I promised that I would stop and home life would be much calmer. Our daughter and I both stopped going to Mass. I let him know we both began going to Mass again. But he says very little to me and won’t say he’ll come home.

I have been reading ETWN Expert Q & A recently. Catholic spouses have a duty to live in the same home. Because I kicked him out it was my fault we didn’t. And I admit I have my faults. But I h’ve asked him to come back and he refuses. He probably doesn’t want to bother. And he is bitter and wants to punish me too. But these aren’t good reasons to refuse to come home.

Is not my husband required to return to our home?


Answer
Marlene,

It is a positive point that you are being honest with yourself. The short answer to this question is no, he is not obligated to live in the same household, especially if the marriage bond is so utterly disregarded as you describe. Do you really think that you'd be anxious to return home if you were in his place? Catholic spouses have duty to love one another unconditionally, and to treat each other as they would wish to be treated. You readily admit that you did not do this when your husband lived with you. I know that there's always fault on both sides, but it sounds to me like you were terribly hard on this man for a very long time.  

In all honesty, I would be hesitant to return after an estrangement "for a long time." What it looks like to him is that you want him back now because you have health issues and need him to help you--"he could be useful and helpful around here"--not because you've rediscovered love for him or that you are sincerely repentant for having inflicted so much hurt, or even that you want the marriage to improve. Your note does not evince any remorse or any understanding of his feelings. Indeed, you are critical of him several times, and even accuse him of things that may or may not be true. That he wants to punish you, etc. He is not going to bribed back home with cooking, laundry, going back to church, etc.

Your marriage is in serious difficulty. It needs far more assistance than I could give it in a short note. I suggest that if you can convince him, which may be difficult, to undertake a long-term course of counseling, that's what you need to do.