Expert: Tom Schott - 1/26/2009

Question
Hello Father,

I am a non Christian in love with a Roman Catholic girl. We have been together for 7 years. In the early days of our relationship we accepted each other freely without force as husband and wife. We have lived together as husband and wife during these 7 years, off and on and not been with other men or women. We have also consummated our marriage several times as well as accepting each other as husband and wife.

Now she wants to leave me(because I have not  been able to find work  for the past 7 months despite trying very hard) and get married to someone else. She says that since no one knows about our marriage, she will never tell whoever comes in her life about it. She was engaged to be married earlier  which broke up, and if her would be husband questions her about her virginity she will say she lost it to her former fiance.

According to my faith, the marriage only lacked witnesses to be a valid marriage. I conveyed to 2 friends at a later point of time that I have married her and that requirement is complete. However, She says that because the marriage didn't take place in the church it is not valid according to the church and she is free to go.

I want an answer to a few questions..

1. When we had accepted each other as husband and wife we had taken as a Witness God Almighty, all his Prophets and the angels. Is there be any greater witness than God Almighty. Why is our marriage invalid according to the church, since God is omnipotent was he not a witness to our marriage or would he be a witness only we were in the church?

2. She has given me a deadline of Feb 1st, and I admit I have not been able to keep up to her deadlines in the past due to lack of trying but this time I have really really struggled hard to meet it. She says that if my job doesn't happen by Feb 1st its a sign from God that we should part ways. Isnt this a way of using God according to your own convenience.

After seven years, if my job doesnt happen in 6 days do I just let her go as a sign from God, even though I dont want to.

Warm Regards,
Makky

Answer
Makky,

First off, I am not a priest. I'm a permanent deacon. I am married and have three children and two grandchildren. I am not addressed as "Father."

To answer your questions:

1. The Catholic church requires three things for a marriage to be valid: that it be performed in a church by an ordained minister before two witnesses. Legally in many states if you cohabit with woman for a certain amount of time, your union is recognized as a "common law" marriage. This is a legal designation, and it has nothing whatever to do with the marriage as a sacrament. Of course, God knows what your intentions are and to that extent is a "witness" to your union. But this is not sufficient in either the legal or the church sense for the "marriage" to be valid.

2. It amazes me that this woman after 7 years with you would give you such a deadline. It's an unmistakable indication to me that she does not love you. She is not interested in what makes a marriage a marriage. She wants security, and she will go with anybody who can promise that to her. Although it will probably be very difficult for you, let this woman get out of your life. You are better off without her. It is nonsense to believe that if you do not get a job within a certain amount of time that it is a sign from God. It's nothing of the sort.

Good luck. I will pray for you.