Expert: Griff Ruby - 1/2/2009

Question
Hello Mr. Ruby, my name is Anderson and I'm dealing with a dilemma. I
recently gave my life to the lord, and I don't want to live in sin. I have a
girlfriend and it is real hard for the both of us to live in abstinence. We
are living in abstinence right now but we quit sex cold turkey on my
behalf, because of my new lifestyle. We want to get married but right now
financially we are unable to do so, and in dat rate we would most likely
get married in 3 years. We don't wanna live in sin so we want to get
married in city hall and later procede with our plans to get married in
3yrs. My question to you is can we remarry in a church after gettin
married in city hall          p.s. we are christians

Answer
I am going to have to make some assumptions about your exact state of life, as it seems from what you have written here.  If I am incorrect about anything, then you will have to fill in the difference in a follow-up question.
It is commendable that you do not want to live in sin, as the sin you are fleeing is a leading cause of many earthly ills, to say nothing of damnation, or other suffering in the next life.
Yes, it does take work, and a serious commitment on the part of both of you to succeed at it, most especially if you are still living together.
The way you put this suggests to me that this has been a unilateral decision on your part, one you have imposed on your partner, but one she accepts only because the man in her life (you) demands it.  If this is correct, then this could be a dangerous condition, either for your state of soul, or for of your relationship (or even both!).
The danger to your soul is obvious, as any weakness on your part and you are at it again, and falling into sin.  This is why a serious commitment to chastity is necessary from both partners to even have a chance at working.  For in that case, if one is weak, the other (hopefully) is not also weak at that same time and can put on the brakes (though even here, if ever both are weak at the same time, then the sin occurs again; this is why living together for unmarried couples is to be most strongly discouraged).  But where only one partner is committed to chastity, when the one is weak, the other sees a chance to go back to "the way things were."
The danger to the relationship is more complex; perhaps it might be more correct to speak of a "challenge" to the relationship, a temporary hardship, or test that, if successfully passed through, will make for a stronger bond, but if not, will in all likelihood be the end of it altogether.
Here would be (I expect) the most difficult aspect:  Before, your relationship included something that it does not include now.  One cannot help but see that as a step back in the relationship.  For example, if suddenly she stopped eating with you, would you not feel the distance and wonder if she's leaving you and that it's probably over, or at least on the way out, or at the very least that she were angry with you?  I am sure that must be what she is going through.
The best thing of course would be to bring her on board with being a Christian and therefore understanding the reason to wait until marriage, and furthermore therefore also committed to what you are committed to.
Failing that, the next best thing would be to at least be able to see and appreciate what you are doing from a practical standpoint.  Most couples that "live together" without marriage do not end up getting married, no matter how much people entering into such an arrangement might see it as a step in that direction.  This new stance of yours is in fact probably her one real chance to be married to you, since you DO want her, but now the only way you will "have" her that way is if you are married, thus providing the necessary incentive to move the relationship really forward.  If she can at least see the unchaste "living together" thing for what it is, a dead end doomed to failure, and your present action as merely a "moving back" out of that dead end and on to the main track towards something more beautiful and permanent (marriage), something that alone would be what could rescue an otherwise doomed relationship, that might at least bring her on board with what you are doing, from a practical standpoint.
What could be especially good at this point would be if she could see your new commitment as being a source of real good in the sort of person you are, for example where before you left it to her to do all the household chores and now you help, or before you might not have been serious about your work or studies but now you pursue them with that aggressive ambition of one who wants to be able to provide for a family, where before you might spend an evening getting drunk with your friends now you would spend that evening hitting the books for some class, things of that nature, then her seeing that change in you might help her be able to understand and feel that the relationship really is stronger now rather than weaker and not to be worried but appreciative.  This might also make it easier for her to see the value of being a Christian, as she would hopefully begin to see the result of prayer in your life, and hopefully want that for herself as well.
But I say this is the big test for your relationship for one other reason.  If you are going to follow our Lord Jesus Christ, but if she is not, then that could also be a problem.  When a believer marries an unbeliever, you cannot pray together, you will not be able to solve problems together, united in purpose, and there would always be this gulf between the two of you, since the most important thing in your life (Our Lord) would mean nothing to her, and frankly I would not be surprised to see her resent the intrusion, unless of course she could also "fall in love with Jesus" just as you are doing.  I do believe you should try to be patient with her, allow her some time to go through her own "learning curve" on this.  If she can see some changes in the sort of person you are, all for the better, and desire this for herself, then it could happen one day, and the two of you in the Lord together could be a truly beautiful thing.  You have stepped into a larger world, and if you can introduce her to the things you are now seeing in that larger world such that she too would like to see these things, that could be a great encouragement.
Which now brings us to the most direct part of the question.  You mention that you are "Christians," but a lot of times that can mean many different things.  However sincere a person might be (and it is between the person and Christ to determine whether the person is really doing all they can and ought), to put it frankly, the way I see it, the only really "Christian" Christians are Catholics, and the only really "Catholic" Catholics are traditionalists.  Since you put this question to a Catholic, and a traditional one at that, you get the standard and most traditionally Catholic response.  A Protestant might respond differently (give or take the denomination).  But let me tell you how the Catholic Church sees it:
Though a "civil marriage" would have legal effect with regards to the State, before God it is no marriage at all.  If, being "legally married" by the State alone you availed yourselves of the "marital prerogatives" you would still be as much "in sin" as you already were doing so as just "living together."  A civil marriage is no "out" but like "living together" merely another dead end, only this one could be messier once the relationship should fail.  Of course a couple, thus "married" can (provided there are no other obstacles, and from here it doesn't look like you would have any, unless for example, one of you had been married before) easily be turned into a real marriage with the Church.  We would call that a "regularization" because a previously "irregular" marriage (not a real marriage, you see...) would be then converted into a real marriage.  Yes, that is certainly possible.  It is just that living in a "civil marriage" as though it were a real marriage before that would still be as much a sin as merely living together unchastely already has been.
But, if by saying you are Christians, you don't mean Catholics, then the question changes a bit.  If you and she are already from a Protestant milieu and your regular Protestant minister believes and teaches that a civil marriage is fully as good as any marriage he could do, or a priest or a rabbi for that matter, and if you and she really believe him, despite anything I or the Catholic Church could say, then perhaps that civil marriage really would be one valid "before God" as well as before the State.  In that case however there would be no valid purpose in having another "marriage" later on.  You would be truly married, and there would be nothing further you need do.
From where I am sitting, you really have three valid options here.  1)  you can marry "now" (actually as soon as possible), though perhaps not really ready, and though it might take the better part of a year to bring about in terms of preparations and so forth to be qualified to be married and for the Church to be willing to marry you, or 2) you may may marry some three or so years from now when (presumably) your career is more ready to support a family and you can organize a real and proper wedding (this really makes the most sense), or 3) call the whole thing off and part company.
The three years is also good as being a time for her to discover Christ for herself and therefore also be up to speed on the full value of this new stand you have taken.  Three years seems a "long time" now, but in the overall scheme of things, unless one or both of you are dying of a terminal diseases where the doctor gives you six months to live etc., three years is really not a long time at all.
Three years could be a good amount of time for the two of you to discover other aspects of the relationship that don't entail unchastity, and to cultivate a valuable self-control that will keep the two of you from straying after you have been married so many years.  For Marriage is not about "being able to get your rocks off whenever the hell you please," but about creating a family and raising the resulting children to be also Christians (to what extent a parent can, given that children will ultimately make their own choices).  The "urge" to come together is only meant to serve as God's (or nature's) way of reminding you on a day to day basis not to be procrastinating about getting on with this most important endeavor of life.  By now you should be able to see how getting that particular kind of "fulfillment" right now merely short-circuits that purpose.  Careers and friends come and go, but a marriage and one's children are meant for life and the most important legacy a person can leave behind at the end of life.  But frankly speaking, if you two are not ready for children (economically or otherwise), then you really have no business working in the baby factory, even if you were married, and unquestionably not so long as you are not married before God.  To follow Christ is really to have the whole focus of your life change, from one of selfish pleasure to one of self-sacrificing service, and in my observation true self-sacrifice begins with being able to say "no" to your strongest desires.  If you cannot give up one single pleasure in life for some unknown and indefinite period, then how can you be expected to give up your whole life, for as Christ gave up His life for the Church, husbands are thus similarly enjoined to love their wives.
Hope this helps, God bless!