Expert: Padraig Caughey - 12/7/2009

Question
QUESTION: Please help me. Although as I type I think I know I am beyond help.

This is a genuine testimony that I am sharing at the end of my life. I wanted to let you hear some testimony about hell and near death experiences and the horror of committing the unforgivable sin. I am a 25 year old female. I know a lot of people worry they have committed this sin but my testimony is a truly powerful warning. Please take its warnings deadly seriously. The one point I would like you to take from it is how important it is for young children to know that they are loved by God, and that He hates anything that has hurt them. I did not believe I was loved by Him and that He had caused terrible things to happen to me and this made me hate Him and let various demons create strongholds in my mind.

I have been ill for many years and suffered serious abuse when I was very young. I picked up a bible when all other treatments had failed and was instantly terrified by the passages regarding the unforgivable sin but spent my time cursing God for my bad luck and past hurts anyway. I wanted forgiveness without repentance. I was also angry as I believed in a sort of Christian reincarnation as I'd had a strong sense from childhood of having met God previously on the death bed of a former life. It made me think that we were all blameless puppets under a cruel God. I now realise this was badly confused delusion. I truly didn't in my heart think God would reject me no matter how appallingly I treated Him.

And then one evening after a year of striving with me, (God would come near with his loving kindness and I would scream and swear and imagine hurting Him, I was even able to make out his figure he came so close), the Holy Spirit managed to get close enough to my heart to convict me and I felt the beginnings of salvation and conversion, with Jesus sitting next to me. I was able to truly feel for the first time in my life but it was overwhelming and I ran away and refused to let the light enter and break me. I said to it as it convicted me, I want to feel better not worse! I literally turned my back on Him and for a fortnight tried to escape to a place in my head saying that, yes God might really be all goodness, but he's a delusion sent to trap us by evil tormentors who control the universe. I knew fine well he was God. Even a week before I'd written a note to myself saying 'don't reject Him, he is life'. I was all ready to reject him. I found it so hard to trust Him. In hindsight, I claimed that good was evil whilst knowing the truth and this is like how the Pharisees ascribed Jesus casting out of devils to him being Beezlebub. I heard a voice in my head telling my to resist, resist, the Holy Spirit and I tore at my own heart trying to remove it. Something in me whispered to me to 'resist resist'. I screamed I didn't want to repent, I didn't want to have to let go, it was too painful. I said I wanted to live in the 'real' world where I could do anything I liked, even murder and rape, without having to come under judgment. This may seem like an odd thing for a outwardly normal 25 year old female to want to do but I have always felt like my personality is that of my male abuser. I shut down my ability to feel over 20 years ago and it left me with a heart of angry stone. It took the miracle of God sitting right next to me to even open my heart a tiny crack. I then, thinking I would keep my options open just in case I was wrong, looked over my shoulder at the
place in my head where God had been and asked 'well God, what does this mean, is it true?'. And the Holy Spirit who up til that point had been striving with me said into my deepest soul 'It means.. I.. REJECT.. YOU!!!'  I saw God turn on his heel and I felt the Spirit being ripped out of my body. The most crippling agony. But I have been left with the tormenting voices and delusions for comfort.

I have been living in hell ever since, that night was back in March. I can see, smell and taste hell all around and am now close to dying from the disease Jesus tried to heal me of. I have had many many further episodes when my breathing has stopped at night and I have passed over to a place filled with thugs waiting to rape me. That is what hell is, a place of unending rape, murder, hideous experiments and torture, lack of light, despair, no love and most of all regret at being separate from God for eternity. A lot of people say that if you're bothered that you have committed the unforgivable sin then you haven't but I know that is not true. I have been unable to repent of the sin that the Spirit convicted me of because I have no power to repent of it by myself since the spirit was withdrawn. The sin I was convicted of was of 'clinging on' to past hurts in my life. I cannot now let them go from my tightly closed hardened heart as much as I try. I can actually feel the worm of pain in my heart becoming tighter and tighter.

I also think that since that moment God has allowed/sent me strong delusions. A week after that terrible moment I tried to humble my stony heart and I prayed a prayer for something I knew I had done wrong, I said 'God, I'm sorry I sometimes say you've said things to me when I know it is my own voice in my head or y'know, maybe the devil'. But it was such a pathetic half hearted little prayer and it didn't really come from my heart, I don't think I even thought I needed to ask for forgiveness. And straight after that a strong message came into my head saying 'you're forgiven'. But it did not in anyway feel like the Holy Spirit of old. And then a few weeks later I prayed the same prayer again, as I was starting to panic as I could feel there was something wrong, I didn't feel forgiven or washed clean. And I got a message saying 'I told you, you're forgiven, God is Love, God is Mercy, God doesn't change'. Which is comforting but again there was something about it that felt false and it feels like it has kept me clinging on and stopped me repenting properly. I have prayed focusing on the message and asked to be made clean like several times and at night I had a powerful dream If I had never had that message I feel I would have stopped running and repented fully. I have not yet let go and the pathways the message has created in my brain make it hard to let go. Letting go for me is to stop running and give over control for the first time in over 20 years of despair at the abuse. It is so frightening but cowardice is no excuse. Although as I type this my head and heart are still filled with excuses. I even scream them out lod at God, 'it was too hard' etc.

Please use this as a warning to others. I was/am incredibly profane and selfish and childish in my life and am still completely unregenerate, filled with the same pain and blasphemy as before. I had experienced hell and still I wouldn't take His word seriously.

I can't feel although part of me is appalled at what I've done and yet it has not led me to repentance. My heart is broken for myself in a worldly fashion, not a godly sorrow for how I have hurt God. I just can't feel what is right and wrong, I want nothing else but to be able to feel. I still cling to the Lord being merciful and loving and not wanting any to perish, I will not know if there is any way back until I am truly gone. Please spread this round Christian sites to help save souls, I am deadly serious and swear to the truth of my testimony. I do not know why my life has been so extraordinary but if I can help save someone from what I have been through then my experience wouldn't have been totally in vain.

Please think of me and when you get a chance in your life please testify to young children of God's love for them, and how He is the best friend we could ever have. We must be obedient to Him because it is the only way we can be be happy, whole and healed. And I do believe that God works all to the good and that my rejection of him pained him terribly. God bless all who are saved by the Lord.



ANSWER: Hi SRR,

The one thing that constantly bowls me over about God is his love.  He is like some huge cosmic sun of love overpowering, infinite, blazing. In Eternity in Heaven when we have seen His blazing heart of love for the first time, I believe out first thoughts will be , 'I never knew, never knew, never knew.'  As the Hymn , 'Amazing Grace' says;

'When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun. '

No less days to sing God's praise because no matter how much has been revealed to us of God's love we are always just at the very, very beginnings of it.  I often think in pray that He is quite mad with love for each and every one of us.  His love for us is not like ours, which even at its very best is inclined to hold memories of love done to us . God 's forgiveness is so total that He banishes even the memory of our sins when we repent. His love is blazing, total , unconditional. Because He loves so much He is totally forgiving and we have really huge promises from Him in Scripture. In fact the bible is full of them!

# Ps. 86:5  "For Thou, LORD, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon Thee."

# 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is Faithful and Just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

# 2 Pet. 3:9 "The LORD is not slack concerning His Promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance."

# Ps. 32:5 "I acknowledged my sin unto Thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and Thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah."

# Ps. 38:18 "For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin."

# Acts 17:30 "And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent."

# Rom. 2:4 "Or despisest thou the riches of His goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?"

# 1 Cor. 5:7 "Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ our passover is sacrificed for us."

# Heb. 9:14 "How much more shall the blood of Christ, Who through the Eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?"

# 1 John 2:2 "And He is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world."

# 1 John 4:10 "Herein is Love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins."

# Ps. 103:12 "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us."

# Prov. 28:13 "He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy."

# Ps. 130:3-4 "If Thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O LORD, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou mayest be feared."

However sometimes in life our hearts are touched by truly terrible events that come like huge black clouds and seem to blot the sun of love from our lives.

In your own live, SRR you have encountered huge and total evil in a way that very many people can not even imagine. Evil in its pure dark form. One of the effects of such evil is that it can make the soul that endures it feel unworthy, stained useless and degraded. Because we have been horribly mistreated by another we can feel ourselves unworthy too.  But this is the great evil, the centre of these evil events. For it is not the one on whom this great evil is committed that is evil and useless it is the evil person who commits the sin who is worthless. This is the heart of such evil that it commits this evil that passes on this huge lie to our souls.

In Ireland sometimes often the weather can turn so bad that the damp cold can seem to chill the very bones. Sometimes when I get down from walking on the mountains I am so cold I cannot seem to get heat back into my bones. I have a trick however that always works. I run a very hot bath and steam in it and chill myself out.

Spiritual darkness ans deep suffering can be a lot like that. You have been chilled to your very bones by a huge evil perpetrated on you. I cannot even begin to imagine what this is like for you. But in order for you to recover you must chill out for lengthy periods in pure , hot love. In order to do this I recmmend that you induulge yourself in hot, loving meditative prayer om God's love, bath yourself in this love and it will gradually remove the black chill that has been inflicted on you.

For instance start be reading and considering this passage:

Luke 18:16
But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Now imagine you are that little child. Sit in the lap of Jesus. Fell His arms around, His loving voice, His total love. be warmed by it, be loved, give yourself to love and be loved. Imagine the disciples and others asking Jesus to release you and Christ's voice rebuking them. Be warmed by His love and filled with it.

Do not listen to the voices which talk of your having committed an unforgiveable sin. It is a lie. A continuation of the very grave sins that were made against you in the fist place. It is so very natural that you should have had feelings of deep anger and rage against God; hat could be more natural?  But God knows, He understands. Loose yourself in love and let Him carry you in His gentle arms beyond the hate and darkness. Let Him show you His love.

You are in my Prayers, SRR, you are a deeply good and well loved person. I love you. God loves you. You are in my prayers. May God bless and heal you.



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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your message, it is so kind, I am trying to focus on God's love and mercy but I do know that I had a moment to be saved and I rejected it and that God told me I was rejected. It is whether I can come back from that, whether the unforgivable sin of throwing God's grace back at him can be forgiven. Scripture seems to say no. But I am clinging to God not wanting anyone to perish and loving us all. All I can picture is  the moment when God turned his back on me. But surely if I want saved He will respond, it's just I can't get my heart now to trust or believe that I can be accepted after getting so close and then rejecting him. Then I think, well stupid girl of course you can't trust, the holy spirit left you to your misery and it is just punishment for abusing His grace. SR

Answer
My Dearest Sister in Christ Jesus,

If it were true that, 'Throwing God's grace back at him ' was indeed the 'unforgivable sin' then heaven would be empty and Hell should have to put a, 'No more room sign'.  May God forgive me , I have lost count of the times I have thorn God's grace back in His face and how many, of all God's children can say different?  I have never counted on my own justification for my Salvation but throw myself every day utterly on the mercy of God. If I am to be saved and walk one day in heavens mountains it shall be because He Has carried me home in His kind arms. But I have learnt in sadness for my sins, through my tears to count ever more in His mercy. For were I am weak , Christ is strong...and if He loves poor sinners I must be the best loved of all His children.

The Book of Sirach teaches us that the Just man falls several times a day . this being so I must be far from even Justice for my day is filled with my falls, I cannot count them..  But it is not the falling down that is important it is the getting up that is important. For when we rise we rise in the arms of a sweet merciful Jesus who carries us as He will carry us, if we are very small and let Him, to our eternal home.

If it was true you had committed the unforgivable sin you would no longer struggle for your redemption.  The unforgivable sin is not to throw God's grace in His face , for all of mortal man does this, the unforgivable sin is to turn the grace given to us on its head and use it for our own device:

[i]Luke 12:8-10: "I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God. And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven."[/i]

In other words to turn what is to lead us to love as something evil. If you has done this you would have turned your heart to stone and closed your heart to grace. For it is love that leads us to the light and if we take light for darkness , how are we to find our way home. Thus the Pharisees who rejected the Son of Man and took Him to be in the Service of Satan rejected He who is the Way the Truth and the Life and turned from the light rejected it and walked into the Eternal Dark.

This that oppresses you is a temptation of Satan, it is false. You are neither a Pharisee nor a Saducee or you should never have approached me with the question.

Turn to God in trust and prayer and He will carry you in His arms to heaven, as He carries me , poor sinner that I am and as He carries all His little Children.

Be at peace the Holy Spirit burns like fire in your heart, reject these dark thoughts. Turn to God in peace in prayer.

I will continue to pray for you. May you find peace in trust , in prayer.

Padraig