Expert: Tom Schott - 3/24/2009

Question
I am a Catholic since birth, though my family is not that devoted to church matters. My mother and I only go to church whenever there are major celebrations like Christmas and Lent.

Looking back at my grown up years, I think I have always been led to prayer. I remember myself listening attentively when my teacher is mentioning about faith. I remember going even alone at church to pray and talk to that big cross in the altar aloud. Long I have dreamed of being a part of the choir, serving God and singing before Him.

Later year, that dream came to reality. I did join a church organization focussing on youth for Jesus. We sing, we testify, we lead other youth to Christ. I spend time to this despite of the disapproval of my family. For them, it is not a worthy thing to do. I am just wasting my time and effort for nothing. But I did not stop since I feel that it is what makes me happy. I even tell God that I am offering my life for his glory...

But I was being tested by fate. I need to study away from my family for a while, also living away from our church. I met a girl, my housemate who has many burdens in her life. I tried to help her, to see life in a positive way. But in the end, it is I who were dragged away from the truth. We had a same sex relationship for 3 years. Early year is a struggle, knowing what it is not right. I even asked God why He tested me that way. I asked Him why I had such test when I already told Him my life I will offer to Him. But then I realize, and God made me realize, that He was hurt much more than I am feeling. I feel ashamed of myself... to ashamed I do not want to pray. I see myself so unworthy in His eyes. For one year, I did not go to church. The relationship continues till we give in to lust... I am expecting punishment from God, but deep inside I still beg. And I am a living testimony that God is good all the time. In those 3 years of sin, in those 3 years away from church, i feel God's love always near me. Though I do not want to pray, at times when I asked him somthing, he respond quick and lovingly. He shows me clearly His love is unconditional.

The girl and I finally got the strength to do the right thing... I came back to church, but not with the organization I joined before.

Recently, I been experiencing so much sadness in my life. I thought it was career satisfaction but after sometime, I realize it is not. I thought I am just tired with my family, but I realize it is not.

I tried to solve my sadness by helping the needy. It gave some satisfaction but still I feel something is lacking. I look at my work and realize it is not what I am dreamed of having. Though financially stable, I long for something...

I think and search, looking into myself why I feel such in this year of my life. Until I found that I wanted to spend my life as a sister. The simplicity, the dedication, that life I wanted. I am willing to leave everything I have now just to have it. I want to serve fully, just what I wanted before...

Can I still be a sister despite of the sins and dishonoring my body before? I am aware of the vow of chastity, and knowing it makes me feel really sad. Deep regret I feel now... but still I wanted to try. regret is always in the end, but I know God is always good. I am hoping... but if its the payment of my sin, i will accept. But I won't give up yet until I finally know and told that I cannot...

Answer
Magdalene,

Do you think you're the first person who has committed sin and then decided to serve God? I can assure you that no one who is serving the Lord as a lay person, a member of a religious community (such as a nun), or an ordained person--bishop, priest, or deacon--NO ONE of the them has not committed sin before they entered into service of the Lord. And what's more, they all commit sin still.

What is done before a vow is no barrier to taking the vow.

The Lord is not looking for perfect people. He told us that he came to cure sinners. So I would tell you straight out that you should definitely pursue your vocation to be a sister if that is what God is calling you to. If that is what it meant for your, dear, it will happen.

Rest assured that you are in my prayers. Good luck and God bless you.