Expert: Charlie Breeding - 6/24/2009

Question
Thank you for your time.I will try to be as brief as possible in explaining my situation to you. Im already prepared to recieve negative feedback from Catholics so nothing will surprise me at this point.
I am a baptized episcopalian but I have never practiced.I have been in a relationship with a Catholic man for about 2 years.I have a previous marriage and children. We got engaged about 7 mos ago and before that my fiance asked me if I would be willing to marry him in a catholic church and I said I would. However, neither one of us knew about the anullment thing until a couple months after we were engaged. He is holding true to his religion and wants me to go through with the anullment but my problem is I dont believe myself what they would be asking me to say. Yes, our marriage failed for a few different reasons but I truly believe while it existed it was a true marriage. I cannot look at my beautiful children and anull my marriage to their father because the Catholic church says I need to. It breaks my heart to think of it. It was a marriage that meant something to two people at the time that are not catholic and two children resulted from it. This has created some major problems in our relationship. We love each other very much and the thought of being apart is killing both of us but neither one of us feels right doing what we would have to do in order to be married. I am afraid that we are really close to having to break up because of this. I am having  a really rough time, i cant eat and i feel myself getting more and more depressed everyday. He thinks he will go to hell if he doesnt marry me in a Catholic church. I dont know a whole lot about the catholic religion but I understand that would be a grave sin. Isnt living with me and have sex with me for almost 2 years a grave sin as well? He has even considered that we just never get married(neither one of us would be happy with that decision)but he would ultimately be living in sin forever if that was the case. What happens if you confess your sins but continue to sin? What would happen to him if he chose not to marry in the Catholic church? I should also mention he bought a house about 8 mos ago and my children call this their home, I just have a hard time believing that in this day and age and in this free country that something can have such a hold on you and would rather my children be uprooted from their home. We are both very torn right now. What can we do?

Answer
Dear Heart-broken,
First, I've been on Summer vacation and apologize for the length of time it has taken me to respond.

Second, I'm saddened to hear that you are 'heart-broken'.   I'll try not to be "negative" as other Catholics might have advised or treated you.  Forgive them.

Third, you need to start going to your Episcopalian services -- right away.  It's priority #1 for you, & take your family; nothing good happens while you're away from church.  Will do you that for yourself and your children?

On your annulment question, if "they would be asking you to say" is not within your integrity, then don't say it.  Yet, I'd encourage you to search your heart for the real reason(s).  Be open to the Lord, and He will speak to you!   :-)  To do that, find times of silence daily where you can pray and meditate ~ "ask and you shall receive" Matthew 7:7

Having your marriage annulled and married into the Catholic Church would do more for lifting your heart and your two children's hearts than anything else you could do or feel that you have to do.

Your asking about your fiancee going to Hell because he wants you married in the Catholic Church and you've been having sex out of marriage for two years -- that's true, but truly not your concern.  That's his challenge for Confession and reconcilation, something you may come to understand over time-- but it's not your issue, it's his.  And one sin doesn't make another one OK, either.  IF you really love him, then you'll get married in the Church -- your kids objections, though you state that they are living in his house -- will wane over time("This too shall pass.").  Children/teens are both flexible and more forgiving than grown adults.

Finally, it's interesting that you say "in this day and age and in this free country...."  Hummm, everything has changed in this country, and NOTHING has changed regarding the Truth.  
This country is in dire straits, financially, justice-wise, education-wise, family-wise, healthcare-wise, economically and morally.  I don't expect you to understand this but there's a "Culture of Death" war going on right now -- an all-out battle of good vs. evil.  We need more people like yourself who took the time to pose an important question & concern, because over time, you'll become an advocate of the Church, I predict.  Fifty percent of winning is just showing up.

Again, start by attending a church -- Episcopalian or Catholic -- every Sunday, and your heart-brokenness will subside over time.  If this doesn't answer your question, feel free to re-post a response.  I'll pray for you.
God bless,
Charlie