Expert: Fr. Timothy Johnson - 8/8/2009

Question
My fiance and I live together, we are both catholic. I am not yet confirmed. Is this something that needs to be done before marriage? Also, will we have to live seperatly for a while before we get married in a catholic church?

Thanks

Answer
Hi, Angela:
Thanks for the question.
I am sorry that you have made the choice to cause scandal to your fellow Catholics and to society in general by living together without being married; but, the encouraging thing is that Catholicism is all about conversion and change in life for the better, by acknowledging our failures, confessing them, making a firm purpose of ammendment, receiving absolution through the Ministry of the Church, the forgiveness of the Lord Jesus Christ, and then the "help of God's Grace" to do better in the future.
As a Priest, I am less concerned about whether you are confirmed prior to marriage than whether you have made a good general confession through an integral celebration of the Sacrament of Penance and receive absolution prior to marriage.
If you are approaching this whole matter as a series of "hoops through which to jump," then you are harming your own long-term spiritual good, and depriving the Catholic Community of the work of God's Grace in your life, if you persist in making the choice to remain long-term in mortal sin.
Of course you know that you will have to do the required pre-marriage prep at the Parish, in the Diocese where you plan to get married in THE Catholic Church (i.e. by her Apostolic Authority).  Within the context of the pre-marriage prep, among other things, yes - you could deal with the issue of your not having yet been confirmed.  The Church directs us that it is certainly preferable and desirable that one already be confirmed before celebrating the Sacrament of Marriage.  Then my hope and wish for you at some time during your marriage prep, you would come to want to know and experience more deeply the love of Jesus Christ for you, and His desire that you will be able to enter into a true and valid Sacramental Marriage by the help of His Grace; which, I would hope, would include the desire to make the personal choice to stop living together as if you were married, but before you actually are; and then, whether any policy or rule or anything else requires you to separate or not prior to the marriage ceremony, you will make that choice on your own so that when you do come together to celebrate the Sacramental union of the Holy Covenant of Marriage in Christ, in His Holy Catholic Church, you will be able to grow together in holiness, have many children, and make a family together: all 3-things that you exclude as long as you continue to "live-together", "cohibitate," "shack-up," or whatever you want to call it... I am ENCOURAGING you to move TOWARD MARRIAGE, which means moving away from all the things that undermine the Marriage Covenant.  Your fidelity now, will help you grow and persevere in fidelity to you marriage vows in the future.
Only YOU can answer the following question:  ask yourself, "do you just want a big fancy wedding ceremony in A Catholic Church; or do you want to be a faithful Catholic, to celebrate with your spouse the SACRAMENT of Marriage in order to GROW IN HOLINESS TOGETHER?"
I wish you the BEST of God's Providential Blessings, and I hope that your are able to find a Priest that can guide you through some really good Marriage Prep!  + God bless you!

Fr. Timothy Johnson