Expert: Griff Ruby - 10/1/2009

Question
QUESTION: My father (non-catholic) cheated on my mother (catholic) with a woman around my age (27).  He lied about it. They separated, and then my mom let him back, even though he was still seeing the other woman.  He finally agreed not to talk to the other woman and try to fix the marriage, but I think it was all just more for show.  As I predicted, he left 8 months later, for typically secular selfish reasons.  He also said he had just been waiting for us kids to be grown up before he left (undermining his sincerity to make things work in my opinion).  
Ever since then he has tried to get back in touch and have a relationship, but I just can't forgive him.  I have tried so hard to explain how he has failed and why I can't trust him.  He writes it off as my religious beliefs, to which he is not held accountable as a non-Catholic.  I know eventually I have to forgive him as a Catholic, but do I have to have a relationship with him?  We used to be close but he really has changed in my eyes.  What is the balance between Catholic forgiveness and self-preservation?  My younger brother and sister have just accepted what he has done to have a relationship.

Thanks.

ANSWER: Even if he does not get held accountable to Catholic standards in this life, he will still be measured by those standards in the next.  It is one thing to "forgive" in the sense of not holding a grudge, and this is obligatory (besides, grudges only hurt us, not really much at all those we might hold a grudge against), but quite another to pretend that all is well when patently it is not.
Every time you see him should be a call to repentance.  It seems he does with to retain contact with you as he does with your younger siblings (and you might want to talk with them about this; a united front from all of his children might register in ways that one daughter acting alone might not), but the price of anything beyond a cool cordial politeness from you (or ideally, any of you) and no agreements to do anything together or meet anywhere or even accept gifts, must be that he step up to the plate, be a real man, honor his commitment to your mother, set free the other woman (for he is actually hurting her too, even if it doesn't seem to bother her), and in short stop being such a cad.
True love is not about "being nice" to someone who is being criminally stupid, but about desiring the best for and from the person.  It has to be about "because I love you I expect you to stop being dishonorable and instead live in a worthwhile manner, and I am not going to let you get away with anything less," not "because I love you, you can get away with anything you please no matter how slimy or disgusting."
True forgiveness (as required) means that you want what is truly best for him, and if by any chance he seriously responds to the encouragement and dismisses the other woman and returns faithfully to your mother, then indeed all joyful fellowship and communion are due, as he would then be like the returned prodigal son.  I guess he could be properly thought of as a "prodigal father."  You pray for his safe return to sanity, and welcome him back joyfully if he truly returns to it, but you cannot have anything to do with his present behavior, nor show any approval for it.
I hope this helps, God bless!


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your reply.  I would like to explore it more deeply, definitely, because it has all turned my life upside-down.  It gets more complicated as the divorce was legally binding as of yesterday.  Additionally, the difference of viewpoint of my brother and sister has been an issue.  Basically, as the oldest (next sibling is 5 years younger), I knew a lot more about the details of what my dad (and his very destructive parents/brother) had been up to over the course of my parents marriage. It was always hard for me because actually my dad was the one I got along well with and my mom and I did not ever get along very well.  But, my dad's actions left me no choice but to support my mom, even if we don't naturally click.  My younger sister and brother were financially dependent on my father and in fact my brother was working for him which really complicated things, and on top of that they chose to really regress and act more and more helpless during the separation and divorce.  I polarized into a real oldest child, taking over my father's chores and cleaning out the house and the mess he left.  I was living abroad and couldn't come home when the separation was announced which was very difficult for me, and I parted ways with my brother and sister because they refused to step up and keep in communication with me.  My sister chose to escape into a romantic relationship.  They both chose to ignore my mom's wishes, which was just the simple courtesy of knowing when they are out with my dad.  Everyone is over 21 now but both my brother and sister live at home.  So, the whole family is now divided. My brother and sister are no longer accountable to either parent really because each parent wants their favor.  My mom, who I have always supported, does not particularly support me back anymore than she ever has, i.e. not much, and my father has left me no choice but to disown his actions.  I don't see any possibility of a unified front between my brother and sister and I.  They don't know as much as I do about the divorce but by the same token, I don't think it is really my information to share, it would be up to my mom and she is a poor communicator and doesn't want to lose their favor.  So I am left with these fragments of what was an already dysfunctional family. I am not supposed to have a grudge but it is pretty hard to even be polite when someone has abandoned his family (I consider this to be the case despite the fact that he wants relationships with his children, chiefly because he now puts himself first and not his family, which is a unit).  I cannot buy the psycho-babble that I just need to accept his choices.  They are wrong.  So what does a relationship with him even look like, is my question?  Also I hear from my siblings that maybe he is no longer with this woman, but he is certainly "exercising his right" to date.  I cannot ever ever endorse this - so how do I have any relationship with him other than one of constant disapproval?  What does dropping a grudge but having a relationship even look like in practice? If he doesn't come back (I don't think he ever will, especially now that the divorce is final), is my mom allowed to remarry? I hate feeling so much responsibility to make my family more functional and I hate that my brother and sister see things totally differently.

Answer
I guess the next step comes in that I must ask whether your parents were married by (in) the Church or elsewhere.  Did your mother and him obtain a dispensation for a mixed marriage (or at any time have the marriage "regularized" by the Church subsequent to an invalid marriage)?  In other words, does the Church regard your parents as married?  This makes some difference.
If they are not married by Church (in the eyes of the Church, and by implication in the eyes of God), then he is nothing to you and even what minimal parental fealty as is appropriate to an unworthy father is in no way due.  He can go his own way and had best forget that he ever had you or your mother and siblings as he is nothing to them as well, just some stranger no different from the stranger you meet on the street.  In this case, your mother is quite free to get married to someone else, and he to his new "honey," and it might not hurt to help her to find a good man, and let him go as well.  From here on however, I assume the contrary.
If the Church has recognized their marriage, then it is forever, and no divorce can ever really be "binding" or even valid or real for that matter.  In that case the divorce is a mere fiction and may justly be utterly disregarded by all concerned parties.  Your parents are married and he has to go back to your mother.  I have never said that you should just "accept" what he has done, and I don't say it here either.  "Forgiveness" is not "acceptance" and never should be where the sin continues.  "Forgiveness" here merely means that you cannot have this stuff chewing yourself up inside all the time, nursing hatred and so forth; if nothing can be done then perhaps the best thing is simply to move on with your life.
You do however in this followup bring of a new aspect, namely the strange behavior of your mother.  Not knowing the chronology of your family situation I have to ask, is it possible that his departure from your mother may have been motivated by her being just as strange toward him as towards you?  While that would not justify what he did, at least that would make it comprehensible, and for that it may well be worth distinguishing two different things.  One is his departure from your mother, and the other is taking up some new "honey."  Separations can be permitted if one parent really cannot live with the other, and given the situation may possibly have been warranted.  Taking up a new "honey" however is mere faithlessness (adultery) and quite dishonorable in every sense.  For the first he may possibly be excused, but for the second he cannot.  The whole family situation sounds rather dysfunctional and I can really understand your sister for simply going off and attempting to start a new family of her own as if she is an orphan and has no family, for in the end it looks as though the same is what you could possibly end up having to do as well.  For any further followups, it really would help to know more of what the deal is with your mother.
As to what you have not told to them, their not knowing explains their not seeing things as you do.  In a case such as this, it really would be best to sit them both down and explain all the things you have kept from them.  This is not about blabbing them to the whole world but merely sharing these things in strict confidence with those who are also affected by them, even if they don't know the specifics.  A person always "knows" that something is going on, but until they know what it is, they are merely affected by it in ways that one does not expect.  It is best that they come to know all the sordid details that at the very least they may come to appreciate your position more.  In my experience, keeping secrets is never helpful or practical, apart from things shared specifically only in the strictest confidence, because even if not revealed, people still sense that there is "something" going on, and that without knowing what it is your behavior becomes merely incomprehensible to them.  From their standpoint, "Our older sister just has some sort of 'attitude problem' about our father."  You see, keeping that secret only makes you out to be the problem person, not him.  So one day, sit them down in a room together and tell them:  "There are some things about our father (and his brother and father, etc.) that I have not told you, but now I feel you are both old enough to be told the truth about him..."  And then don't exaggerate or waste breath giving vague declarations of the sort they may have already heard before (or at least surmised) but merely lay out specific facts.  No "well, he's selfish," but instead, "well, when I was three and they were still together he had an affair with his secretary at the office, and then when I was four..." or whatever the particulars would be.  Start with factual things of which you know for certain.  Then move on to things where you might have only suspicions, again no "I suspect he was having an affair," but instead, "I kept finding long hairs in the car of different colors from his and mom's, and then there were those frequent hangup calls on the phone..." or again whatever the particulars would be.  I have no doubt that it would be painful for them to face, but it can also be healing in a way, too.  Even if you don't gain their support, at least you and they can be more on the same page and understand each other, because time will come when your brother and sister are all the natural family you have left and staying close to them is important in the long run even if being close to your parents is not really possible.
Finally, you ask what the "relationship" I speak about would even look like.  If he calls then the first thing to ask is "So when are you getting back together with mom?" and if his answer indicates that he has no such intention then just say "sorry, I thought I was talking to my father" and hang up.  If he comes to your door, it is like he is a stranger, e. g. "If you have any magazines to sell me, show me the brochure and I will consider them, but don't pretend I'm your daughter.  I am the daughter of only my mother and whatever man is man enough to be loyal to her."
But do in any case find out for sure the status of their marriage (consult with the priest if you cannot get a straight or trustworthy answer from either of them) so as to know how to act.  Marriage is something done before God, and not the mere State, so getting God's opinion is paramount to knowing how to proceed.  It should be a simple matter to verify whether they are married by the Church or not.  For if they are not married in the eyes of God (and Church), then that changes everything.