Expert: Griff Ruby - 10/9/2010

Question
QUESTION: Are both spouses guilty of a mortal sin if one chooses to use a contraceptive against the others will. For instance if the wife insists on using a contraceptive no mater what the husbands wishes are? Can the husband still have sex without guilt?

ANSWER: I do not believe that either partner can "make" it sinful for the other.  That said, however, should the partner who is not using the contraceptive in any way "prefer" going ahead when the other is plainly sinning, then to that extent then they would participate in their partner's sin.
One other thing to know is that if one partner attempts to force the issue on this, for example by having themselves "fixed" or using any contraceptive device or chemical against the will of their partner, then the partner would have the right to refuse the marriage debt.  So in the example you give of a wife having a contraceptive against the will of her husband, so long as she has the contraceptive installed or intends to, her husband cannot be obliged by her to "put out" in bed for her pleasure, though in the interest of family peace and unity he might still be advised to do so.
Situations of this kind are best discussed with one's regular confessor when/if they come up, and given particular circumstances a priest's guidance may not necessary coincide with what I have given here.  Hope this helps, God bless!


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi, the husband may not prefer to go ahead, but the wife may not give up the contraception, the husband may not want to, but goes ahead anyway. what if that happened?
also, the couple still had children, but the wife still uses contraceptives afterwards, and the husband does not like that fact, but wants the marriage to work, and wants to make love to his wife? what then? is it a sin on the husband?

Answer
So long as the husband TRULY wishes (not merely pretending) that his wife would remove the contraceptive, and would be if any different, only all the more willing and eager to go in to her should she ever change her mind and remove the contraceptive, then the sin is really on her part only.
However, it occurs to me that one other factor to consider is that if the husband is not doing his share of the work in tending what children they have, or providing for them, then a change in his willingness to help in these areas may bring about a change of attitude on the part of his wife.  One might also see if there is some danger to her life from a pregnancy (for example, did she almost literally die from the last childbirth?).  Consideration for these things must also be shown or else even if the husband might not be guilty of any serious sin against chastity, he could still be guilty of sins against charity in that he is willing to burden her with obligations that he is not sufficiently helping her with or even to endanger her life.
Finally, if the couple is willing to practice NFP carefully as it can be done today, there really is no valid reason for a contraceptive to be used, even from the standpoint of really not wanting any more children.  Of course, for this, both partners must be willing to abstain on the certain days of the month, but even for a lusty man who always wants to make love to his wife (for that is a part of what it is to be a man), a few days of abstinence per month is a perfectly reasonable demand.
Think of the man who is not married.  He has all the same cravings as the husband here, but no possibility of release of any kind without gravely sinning.  That is not only for priests and monks but for everyone who is not married.  All the single are obliged to be always as pure as the purest monk or nun, even those who are single not by choice, and God would not expect a thing unless it were realistically attainable.  Another part of truly being a man (or woman) of God is being able to say no to those cravings and refuse all their urgings, continuously and perfectly throughout all of one's single life.  In comparison to all that, what's a few days out of every month to show similar abstinence?
Learn to pray the Rosary with your wife daily, and especially on those days that the NFP program would forbid any satisfaction of those fleshly cravings.