Expert: Fr. Timothy Johnson - 12/6/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dear Fr. Timothy,
I got married last August 1997, been blessed with two wonderful kids.  I thought I'd be happy and would have a happy family for the rest of my life until 4 years ago, September 2006, I found out that my husband was having an affair, for almost two years already, with another girl.  I fought for him.  Because i loved him so much. And i wanted my kids to grow up in a "complete" family.  But my ex-husband wanted us out. And i cannot change his mind no matter what I do.  So sometime in May of 2007, I finally decided to stop fighting because I know he does not want us anymore.
I was in so much pain and agony for months. But had to be strong for my kids.
Until one day, I started feeling unusual for someone I just used to know for so many years. He is a widower. And a good man.
We started dating and i was thankful because he is an exact opposite of my ex-husband. He loves me so much, he loves my kids, he takes good care of us and he is a trustworthy and honest man.
Until lately, someone told me that what I am doing is wrong.  That I am not allowed to have a relationship with someone else because I am still married to my previous husband.  My previous husband has been living with this woman ever since we parted ways (and has been consistently flirting with other women, too).  
We are on the process of annulment at the moment.
I am in so much misery right now because I am afraid that God will punish me, or worse, my loved ones, if i continue my relationship with this good man.  But I love him and I am happy with him.
What should I do, Father?  Should I let him go because I am living in a sin for having a relationship with him? What if my marriage gets annulled, will I be allowed to be with him and spend the rest of my life with him then?
Please, enlighten me, Father...
Thank you.

Frances

ANSWER: Dear Frances:

I am very sorry to hear of your current difficulties with your ex husband.  I am presuming you must already be divorced at this point since you are going through the anullment process.  I can only counsel caution in the situation with the new man you have romantic interest with.  The teaching of Christ through the Church is that sexual intimacy outside of marriage is a mortal sin for anybody.
I hope that you will be able to get a final judgment soon on the situation with the anullment, and in the meantime that you will be mindful of and ask God for the strength to live chastity proper to the unmarried state.  Perhaps if a decree of nullity comes through, you will be able to enter into a truly sacramental marriage with the man whom you are currently dating.  This is a somewhat complex situation, and I cannot realistically do in-depth marital counseling in such a forum as this: I only wish you the very best, and pray it all works out for your good and salvation, and for that of all others involved.

Fr. Timothy Johnson

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Father Timothy,
I am very much delighted by your immediate response.  I do really appreciate it, Father.
I just want to be clear on something: when you said that "this is somewhat a complex situation", did you refer to "the possibility of me getting re-married to this man after annulment?"  does it mean that, in your own opinion, Father, I will never be allowed to remarry again even if annulled?
We do not have divorce here in our country, Father, only annulment or legal separation.
Thank you again, Father. Hoping you would still find time answering my seem-to-be-nonsensed questions.  I am really at lost at the moment, Father. You are my only light right now.
Thank you and God bless you, Father.

Answer
Hi, again, Frances:
You mention that the man you are currently dating is a widower.  This means his wife died.  As long as he is "free-to-marry" by Church Law (meaning he has no other former spouses living), then you would most likely be able to marry him.  One of the things I meant by "complex" was that this can be better dealt with in the details at the local level, in person, with your local church community through your Priest and his staff.  Based upon the information I have, as long as your anullment goes through, it looks hopeful that you ought probably to be able to get married; but if there are any other complications beyond what you have presented, then I certainly cannot have answered for those.  I honestly wish you the very best...

Fr. Timothy Johnson