Expert: George A. Card,sfo, M.I - 6/16/2010

Question
Hi, I am hoping you can help.  I am a divorced non-Catholic female in a committed relationship with a Catholic male.  We both have expressed desire to be together for the long haul, despite that neither of us has talked specifically about marriage.  I do want to marry him, and am preparing accordingly, even though I do not expect him to propose anytime soon.  I have done some research about the potential to get married in a Catholic church, and know this rests on the fact that I would have to get my previous marriage annulled.  I have some concerns about the annulment getting granted by the tribunal for a number of reasons, including that I do not know if my ex-husband will give me his current address.  We only have email contact, but he refuses to give me any more information on his whereabouts.  I know that he has to be informed of the proceedings.  Would it be acceptable if he allowed me to use his work address instead?  Also, I don't know if there is sufficient evidence that our marriage was invalid.  When we got married, we both vowed that we did not want children, but I was lying about this fact because I really wanted children.   I just never told him.  As it turned out, when we started divorce proceedings, we both admitted that we had wanted children, but we never told one another this fact throughout the course of the marriage.  I don't know if this is sufficient grounds to nullify the marriage.  There was a bit more to it than that, but that was the closest example I could come up with to meet the criteria I've found listed on various sites.  First, how do I go about seeking an annulment?  I am lost about the first steps involved.  Should I just find my local priest and ask him?  I have a Catholic church that I attend from time to time, despite not being officially Catholic.  It sounds so silly, but how do I go about asking him?  Can I approach him after a Sunday mass service?  Is there a more acceptable way of contacting your local priest or pastor?  Finally, if I do submit testimony and go through the process with the tribunal, only to have them come back with the decision that my previous marriage was indeed valid, and thus my annulment will not be granted.....is marriage still possible?  Since he is Catholic, if we were to get married outside of the Catholic church, would the church still consider our marriage valid?  I heard that there is a way the marriage can still be blessed and considered valid by the church.  Thank you so much.  Sorry to throw so many questions into one question.  I am very serious about my commitment to my current relationship and want to do what is best for him and for the Catholic church, as I deeply respect his religion.

Answer
Peace

dear Sara,
       Thanks for your question and your desire to respecting of your friend's faith.  
   You first question seem to be how do I get the annulment process started. Simply ask the pastor of the parish you have been attending. Either by phone or just talk to him after Mass.

The Sacrament of Holy Matriony and Marriage are two different things. Marriage is of the natural order, Holy Matriony is the order of grace.  I am not a formal expert in the matters but it sounds like you could easily get a decree, for you were not Catholic at the time of your marriage.

You wrote: "I am very serious about my commitment to my current relationship and want to do what is best for him and for the Catholic church, as I deeply respect his religion."

I suggest you consider becoming Catholic. Why cause it we best for you, him, and the Church. It also would best for any future children, to be raise in single faith household.


                               your servant but His first
                                          George