Expert: Father Dave Bechtel - 2/2/2012

Question
I asked this question of another priest on this forum and got a one sentence answer that had actually nothing to do with the question.

I am an (almost) 65 year old woman who lost her 23 year old daughter on 3/2/11 to suicide.  This much loved and protected child was my only child and suffered from schizophrenia and bipolar 2 disorder: she had hallucinations and delusions and severe depression mixed with manic episodes where she attempted suicide four times.  I did everything humanly possible to prevent this but she got away from me that day (we lived together and I had all meds and sharp objects locked in a safe).  I have since SEEN her (in October) in her "glorified" state.  I am a devout Roman Catholic, Eucharistic Minister, with a lifelong relationship with our Lord and had an apparition of the Blessed Mother at age five where I was warned that this life would be quite difficult and given the number "23" (she was 23, she died on second day of third month -- 2/3 -- called me using my cell phone prior to shooting herself at 4:23PM).

My question is: I was an active participant in the Right to Life movement when my daughter was conceived.  She was conceived outside of marriage (in sin, I admit that, but I was in an exclusive relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry and have, of course, since them made many confessions including a general confession).  I was 39 years old and actually it was almost impossible for me to become pregnant because of biological problems.  She was born against all odds, even her delivery was miraculous.  Yet I knew from her infancy there was "something wrong", just could never find a psychiatric professional who could guide me until her first suicide attempt in 2007.

DOES GOD oversee ALL CONCEPTIONS?  Can a child be conceived WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION?  I feel her life and death served not only her own purpose but one for me, as well, since her illness led me very far astray (even though I actually believed I was following God) and made me emotionally unstable (which I am presently recovering from).  Did God allow this conception?  It seems to me NO life comes into existence without God's allowance.  Was my sin involved in her illness?  The God I know and love would not do this but I need an answer from an objective source that is knowledgeable in these matters.  Thank you.

Answer
Joan,

I am sorry to hear all of this.  Certainly you would understand "Our Lady of Sorrows."  Socrates the great philosopher believed that truly wise people were those who did not know. He believed true wisdom was gained when people realized that knowledge is not in what is known but in realizing what is not known.

The questions you ask have no easy and fast answers.  Quite frankly even if they did I am not sure it would help.  I will attempt an answer, but I don't claim it will be perfect, nor do I claim that it will penetrate the mysteries of suffering and answer sufficiently why it exists.  

Does God "oversee ALL Conceptions?" I know that there is nothing that happens in the universe that does not escape the notice of God.  I know that all things that happen in the universe are under God's power and providential guidance. I know that God is involved in each conception because at the moment of conception God creates a unique soul for the person conceived and breaths the soul into the person.  At the same time because God has given humanity a share in His pro-creative power in a mysterious sense we have a certain control over the life we will bring into the world.  In other words without us a physical human life would not be generated.

You are right that NO life comes into existence without God's allowance, but it seems your question is asking "Can we produce a life that God did not want produced?" I think the answer to that is an emphatic NO. All life that comes into existence is wanted by God---it is not just that God PERMITS the life to exist, but he WANTS the life to exist. We are the ones who determined in a mysterious sense that the life would exist (by the marital act happening at the right time) but God WANTS the life to exist.  

There is a connection between suffering and Sin.  Suffering happens because Sin exists.  This much is clear from the Bible.  God took the first born son of David because of David's sin with Bathsheba and the taking of her husband's life.  I believe God took David's first born not because of his sin with Bathsheba, but because David had her husband killed off so he could avoid responsibility for his actions.  God did not allow Moses to enter the Promised Land because of his sin when striking the Rock.  This demonstrates that there is a connection between suffering and sin, and also that mysteriously the innocent must suffer on behalf of the guilty. Nowhere is this connection between Sin, suffering, and the innocent taking on the punishment of the guilty demonstrated more clearly then in Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ who was totally innocent freely choose to take on the punishment for Sin thereby changing the meaning of suffering and death.  Through the death of Christ our death is destroyed, through the rising of Christ we are restored to life, and through the Ascension of Christ humanity is forever in the presence of God presented before the Father through the Son as his eternal offering and gift.  

While there is a connection between Sin and suffering, and while the innocent suffer on behalf of the guilty, at the same time I do not believe we can say "My child died because God is punishing me for my Sins" or this or that happened because God is getting back at me.  In other words through there is a mysterious connection between Sin and suffering, I would not draw the conclusion that your child was destined to die because she was conceived outside of marriage.

First: God gave us the Sacrament of Confession as a healing remedy for Sin.  It is supposed to relieve us.  We unburden our souls to God and allow his Spirit to heal us and forgive us. Once you confess a Sin or sins that sin is wiped away, blotted out, never to be brought up again, never to be spoken of again. If you have confessed pre-marital sex, the sin is forgiven and as far as God is concerned it was put behind you the moment you repented. You do not need to keep bringing this up.  You are forgiven.  Your child did not suffer and die because of your Sin---notwithstanding the mysterious connection between Sin and suffering.  

Second:  God loves your child, God wanted your child, God WANTS your child, and God is merciful. God understands our human condition and He certainly understands that sometimes there are factors which we cannot control that cause us to do bad things. In other words sometimes we cannot be held responsible for our actions because we were not in control of ourselves when we committed those acts. Therefore there is every reason to hope that your daughter is with God free from suffering.

Third:  God loves YOU also, and He suffers with YOU over the loss of your daughter. Your daughter was not necessarily ill because of your Sin.  Again, notwithstanding the connection between sin and suffering God was not necessarily getting your daughter because of your sins.  

Fourth:  Humanity sinned against God in Adam and Eve.  Because of their Sin suffering and death, (corruption) entered into the human race.  Jesus came NOT that the consequences of Sin may be taken away, but in order that they might be transformed.  This is why Sin has no more power over us.  The bite and sting of sin (suffering and death) still exist, but their meaning has been transformed.  They now become the means of LIFE for those who are willing to embrace them as Jesus did.  That is the hope I can offer you, namely that your suffering is redemptive and it is life giving.  You receive spiritual life abundantly.