Expert: Tom Schott - 12/17/2005

Question
I've had a problem with my mother for the last 3 years or so and it is getting worse. My mother is rarely available for family get togethers. She always has some committment with a church, mission, prayer group, etc. She calls herself a missionary. While I admire her dedication to people in need, my belief is that family is very important. Rather than spending Christmas with my husband, other close family members, and myself, she is spending the day with a fellow church member currently in alcohol rehabilitation. While I understand that this individual would appreciate the time with my mother, he has family himself. I would really like my mother around more often, and be able to spend more time with her, especially around the holidays. My 52-yr-old father (divorced from my mother) passed away in July and the holiday season is especially difficult this year. I'm concerned that if I have children of my own, I'll just become more disappointed with my mother and grow more angry with her. Please help.

Answer
Hanna,

 I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation because anger at a parent can be very corrosive over time, and it sounds as if this anger has been building up for some time. I am convinced that most of the anger in the world, in people, and in us comes from being hurt. Is this the case with you? Does your mother know of your feelings? Have you told her how much it hurts you? Have you told her how important it is to you that she be there when you need her? I take it that you are single . . . if this is the case, then why couldn't you accompany her on some of these "missionary" ventures?

 I suspect that this situation between you and your mother has been festering for a long time. If this is indeed the case, the best advice I can give you is to seek professional counseling to deal with your anger. Counseling will not heal your relationship with your mom, but it will help you cope with it better. I firmly believe that people do what they want to do . . . this includes your mom.