Expert: Griff Ruby - 7/3/2007

Question
QUESTION: Do you think that the church should raise the kids. Meaning - letting the Deacons pull your child, who is seated with you, out of his seat because he's falling asleep and place him somewhere else without confronting with the parent first. Isn't the church suppose to enhance what the parent is teaching. Please let me know your thoughts on the church's role in helping with children and how it should be approached.

ANSWER: Not only in the Church, but ANY adult wanting to interact with your child, must have your approval.
Do you know that even if your child is choking to death, and you, their parent, are there, a CPR-qualified person is not at liberty to help your child until he gets your permission (if the parent is not immediately or obviously around, the permission, not being available, only then is not needed).  IF the laws are this way for such life-or-death situations, how much more they would be so for lesser situations.  In short, what was done there was probably illegal, given that you his parent were seated right next to him there in church.  The proper thing for him to have done if he doesn't want your son sleeping in church would be to catch your eye silently and point to him indicating that he wants you to wake him up, and then for you to wake him.  Of course, if he tried this and you refused to wake him and his snoring created a disturbance, then the proper thing would be for him to ask both you and your son to leave.  On the other hand, if this is a question of him being on his own, say in some church youth group, away from his parents, this would be entirely within their rights and duties.  Someone has to be the adult in any situation, and normally it is the parents of the children, but in the absence of parents, it falls to others to serve temporarily in that capacity as needed.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for responding so quickly. I agree with your response to my question. However,I'm still not quite clear on what your thoughts are on how the church should be involved with helping children. The reason I'm asking this question is because my son who is fifteen just started going to church with me on a regular basis two years ago. I gave my life to Christ four years ago. So, quite naturally church is not interesting to him, so he falls asleep. It actually takes away from my worship because I am constantly telling him to wake - up. That is God's house and I will not let him disrespect it, however, it is hard. My church is small consisting of approximately forty members:; therefore, it is fairly close nit. However, I don't get to close with people because I know that they are just people, and I have seen their spirit. I feel that with prayer God will help my son. People don't have a heaven or a hell to put you in. If God sends someone to help I will know - right? I know that I didn't do my job as his parent to teach him about God when he was younger, but I did not know God my self. My parents did not raise me up in the church. Nevertheless, now I know, so I am doing everything to expose him to things of God. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I also got married after giving my life to the Lord, and the church we attend my husband has been a member there for years. The church that I came from had over 2,000 members. In a nut shell - I just want to attend church service and be left alone. I don't need anyone focusing on me or my child because I can handle him. Do you think I'm wrong for this?  I just believe God can and will. Not everyone in the church is righteous. Some people come and put on a face just for that time. I hope I am making sense, and sorry for being so wordy. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks, and God Bless!

Answer
The Church should be helping parents raise their children by providing guidance, providing schools (where possible, and helping to coordinate a homeschooling group for parents with children might be something that even a small congregation could do).  You should be able to approach your priest/pastor with your needs with regards to your son and he in turn should have some guidance to provide, such as pointing him to a youth group if the church has one, or even the youth group of a neighboring church if it doesn't.
So many people think of "church" in terms of only the Sunday morning service, when in fact it is a rare church that has not more to offer, often during the whole week, and this is where people in the church can learn more about what it is for and why it is important, and also get to know each other and become friends.
It is of course a good and sound instinct on your part that the main church Sunday service should be about you and God (almost as if you were the only one in the room), and certainly not some party of everyone present, but this does not apply to other church functions throughout the week (other than daily Masses), such as youth group, church potlucks, church recreational activities, evangelization groups, prayer groups, Bible study groups, adult catechetical instruction groups, choir practice, groups that sew quilts for missionaries or help out at soup kitchens and homeless shelters and do highway cleanup and church fundraising barbecues, and so forth.
Since your husband seems very much a member I don't see that he should fail to support you in this.  And going to such things will also enrich your own faith as well as perhaps provide something to interest your son, so he won't be so bored there anymore.  Provide him something that enables him to actually help people, and when he sees himself doing something so positive and what good effect he can have on someone's life then he will truly understand what church is all about.
Of course, if church is far away (as it is for me) and you must travel long to get to it, then there is still that Sunday can be made a day of, and there often can be much after church lets out for people in the church who also came a long ways to participate in.