Expert: Michael Clark, Ph.D. - 3/12/2004

Question
 Dear Mr. Michael Clark

1- I visit my father twice a year only in Christmas and Easter. I never visit, call or talk to him except in these two occasions; is that OK or is that wrong ?

2- Muslims put a great emphasis on kissing their father's and mother's hands; they say that is very important in order for you to receive God's graces and in fulfilling the commandment that orders us to honor our father and mother, and God will bless you with all types of blessing if you kiss their hands. They say that the most successful and great business men who were able to succeed in their life were those people who used to kiss their father and mother hands regularly and outside in public, also they say that if you don't want to feel pain in your life, you must make your father and mother feel satisfied.
I tried to kiss my mother's hand, but I felt very shy and I could not do it. What do you think about that ?

3- Do I have to treat my grandfather and grandmother the same way I should treat my father and mother ? Do I have to honor all of them similarly ? Do I have to provide help, material, moral, and mental support for all of them in similar amounts? What if I am not able to provide material, and mental support for myself, how can I provide it for others if I lack that?

Thanks

Answer
Samuel.. There is no "one-size-fits-all" answer in Catholicism, except of course, that we are called to love and forgive all. But when we put that into practice, we find that the way we love people, the way we put that love into action, differs for each and every person.

Sometimes it's harder to love and forgive parents because our emotional attachments are so close . Positive and negative patterns are embedded pretty deep. So to remove oneself and look at a parent-child relationship often takes an extra amount of courage and energy. It's easy to say "my parent was a jerk" or "my parent was a doll" and then just continue to see them that way. It's harder to see that person as a separate individual, that is, somewhat more objectively.

I myself don't believe in too many ritualized forms of love-expression (e.g. kissing hands for God's favor). In my view, and the Catholic one too, God sees the inside of the heart. St. Pauls tells us that external, visible actions are meaningless if not done with real and sincere love. Jesus alludes to this when he says that we must wash the "inside of the cup instead of the outside." In fact, Jesus was against outward appearances of holiness. Jesus was in favor of those who "pray in secret" and who don't act like the "hypocrites," who make big public shows of their supposed piety. Now I'm not saying that every Muslim who kisses their parents hand is doing this. Some could be doing it with love and sincerity, and God would probably look with favor on that. But my point is that Jesus breaks the mould. He tells us that it's not so much WHAT you do. But HOW you do it (again, with love).

And this leaves room for tailoring our actions to the needs of each specific situation and individual. So that's why I don't believe, for myself anyhow, in too many ritualized expressions of love.

I do, however, follow things like Mother's Day. This is because over the years the expectation has been stamped in our minds. So again, if for Muslims, hand-kissing is culturally expected, and if it's done from the heart, then it could work for them. But if it's not really a part of your cultural programming, I wouldn't worry about it--unless you felt some great need to observe this tradition.

In short, I humbly suggest that if you just try to act in love, God would appreciate your intention. And remember that some of us are called to share, but it might not necessarily be money. It might just be love, itself.

I hope these suggestions help, but please remember that they're just suggestions and that I don't know you or your situation. So be sure to make your own decisions in life!