Expert: Tom Schott - 7/23/2007

Question
Hi Deacon Tom Question for you:
I was married, have a 4 year old daughter.  My marriage was annulled.  Recently I have noticed a man at church.  He is divorced, yet still wears his wedding ring.  I work at the same organization that he does, so I know a little about his situation.  His wife cheated on him, bad marriage in general.  That happened a couple of years ago.  But he has three sons, and I always see him at church with them.  My daughter always gets along well with his sons when we are at church together.  I admire him so much for taking his three sons to church faithfully every Sunday.  He seems sad to me.  Sometimes I will see my daughter playing with his sons and me and this man will share a smile.  This has been going on for the past year or so at least.  Our kids get along great, and I know there is a little spark between us, yet we have never acknowledged this either at work or at church.  
My question for you is: what is the right protocol for this type of situation?  I don't know the details of his former relationship.  I think we would be a good match, yet I have too much respect for him to just "hit" on him.  If he has decided to live a celibate life in favor of his former marriage, I respect that.  But if there is a chance for us I'd like to pursue it.  I don't want to make his life any harder than it is already, yet I feel like I have to know whether or not there might be a chance for us.  Do you have any suggestions?  I just really want to do the right thing here.  Thank you so much Deacon Tom -
Annamaria


Answer
Alexandra,

 You're obviously a considerate and caring person to be so respectful of a guy you don't even know, or barely know. I don't know why he would still wear his wedding ring . . . you would have to ask. From what you say, you have not even spoken to this guy. A little conversation would reveal a lot about his situation. Listen, I can only give you my perspective as a man . . . this is not a question of faith and morals, but one about relationships. Let me put it to you this way. If some woman was interested in me in the way you describe, and I was a shy or hesitant person, I would want the lady to make a move. It wouldn't have have be "hitting" on me. Since you work with this gentleman AND you see him at church, there is a lot of common ground upon which to initiate a conversation.

 I truly hope I've been helpful.