Expert: Fr. Timothy Johnson - 6/28/2007

Question
Dear Father,

I have a question regarding family matters.  I read your profile but am not sure if this is a question for you.  If not, please refer me to the correct person.

I am worried about whether I have done the right things with regard to my relationships with my nieces and nephews that I have seen only once in their lives.

I have a half-sister, Saybra, who lives in Tennessee (I live in Louisiana).  She is a mother of eight children.  Roughly twenty years ago, she falsely accused my father of sexually molesting her.  The case went to court and it was determined that she had lied and the case was dismissed.  My sister, however, has never recanted.  She continues to insist that she was molested despite all proof to the contrary.

Her first child, Heather, was born when Saybra was eighteen; Heather is now sixteen.  I have only seen her once in my life.  Saybra had four other children before she and her husband divorced.  She is now living with a man in an unmarried relationship, having given birth to triplets from him.  I have never seen the triplets.

Personally, I have no desire to see Saybra because she maintains a lie against my father, and I don’t want to have anything to do with anyone who would say something like that.  I think it’s sick and cruel.  

The reason I have never seen them is because I have ample reason to believe that Saybra has conditioned her children to believe that their step-grandfather is a pedophile.  I fear that if we were to visit them, Saybra would use her children try to accuse him again.  Therefore, we have not gone.  In the meantime, her children are growing up, and they have no memories of me or my parents.  I feel guilty because I think we could have gone to counseling or something to try and remedy the situation, but we never did.  I wonder if I am at fault for a lot of this.

A similar situation is brewing with another sister, Rachael, who lives in North Carolina.  She is married and has a daughter, Audrey.  She was born close to a year ago and I have never seen her.  I would have no problem visiting Rachael and no real fear of false accusations.  The reason I haven’t seen her is because Rachael, for various reasons that I do not know, will have nothing to do with me or my parents.  What angers and upsets me is that the years tick by and the children grow up not knowing us.  Is there something I should be doing to help fix all of this with Saybra and Rachael?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I appreciate any input you can give.  God bless, and take care.


Answer
Hi, Danny:

Thank you for sharing your personal circumstances and some of your life struggles.  Certainly you ought to be praying and bringing these matters before the Lord, placing them into the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Loving Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
Let us pray for peace:
Almighty and eternal God, Who willed to restore all things in Thy beloved Son, the King of the Universe, mercifully grant that the whole family of nations, divided by the wound of sin, may be made subject to His most gentle rule: through the same Christ our Lord.  Amen.
I cannot think of anybody whom precisely to refer you, but maybe somebody with Catholic counseling experience?
I can understand your struggle in many ways: agonizing over what might have been done better in the past, or what it might have been better not to do.  It is a good thing to establish authentic, loving relationships with family members; but we always have to remain detached in a prudent sense, and our Hearts rooted in God and His Goodness, for He alone can give us true and lasting joy.
Again, thank you, and please pray for me.
+ God bless you.

Fr. Timothy Johnson