Expert: Tom Schott - 6/12/2007

Question
I am unsure what to do about marriage troubles.  To provide a background, I am Catholic, my husband is not baptized.  We were married in the Catholic church.  

My husband and I have been having problems since the birth of our daughter; he was not ready for children.  He wanted to pursue a career as an airline pilot and felt a child would hamper his career.  After her birth, my priorities changed, but his did not.  Though I did not want to, I became the primary provider to put him through training.  Now he is almost through his pilot training, and is away most of the week.  When he comes home, he is irritable and does not help with household responsibilities or taking care of our daughter.  He said he believes I should not complain because house and children are usually the wife’s responsibility.   However, when I try to point out to him that I am also the primary provider in the family (I am still working full time), he says I am belittling him.  I am not a feminist, and never wanted to be the provider, but somehow fell into this roll.

I cannot help but feel I have been cheated in this relationship, and do not feel this is a marriage.  I believe that he feels the birth of our daughter was my fault (I was supposed to be on birth control but did not take the pills correctly) and therefore does not feel guilty that I have more of the responsibilities (“you made your bed, you can sleep in it” attitude).  He does not want any more children with me (withdraws during sex to make sure this does not happen).  He has said that he also feels he was rushed into our marriage, and feels bothered by my faith.  He does not want me to put up crucifixes in our house, and pokes fun at my daughter when she sings religious songs or recites prayers.

I believe that if I become more secular in my beliefs (at least around him) then our marriage might survive.  But I feel I am betraying my faith and myself, and already feel like a doormat for taking on the roles as breadwinner, homemaker, and child caretaker. Am I wrong to want out of this marriage?  Is it a sin to hurt my daughter through divorce? (she is only 4).  Should I try to “stick it out” even though it may mean that I have to hide my faith and risk my daughter’s faith?  If I did try to “stick it out”, how do I control my resentment?

I have asked him to come with me to talk to a priest, or a councilor, but so far he has refused.

I appreciate your thoughts, and God bless


Answer
Marie,

This is the kind of question that really should be handled face-to-face, but we do what we can. Let me answer your questions based upon what you told me. You are not wrong to want out of this marriage; it sounds like a situation that will soon become intolerable for you, if it isn't already. Given what you've told me, it may do your daughter more harm to stay in the marriage than not, so I would not assume she is going to be hurt by divorce. Children are far more resilient than we are. There is no way you can "stick it out" given the circumstances you describe. And if you did, you would not be able to control your resentment, I don't care how holy you are.

By the way, you would have excellent grounds to have this marriage annulled should you get divorced.

God bless you also.