Expert: Tom Schott - 6/6/2006

Question
I had a miscarriage on my 5th week of pregnancy.  I was able to save the tissue that contains the very tiny embryo.  What should I do to give my baby a proper burial?  Is it necessary to hold a vigil, funeral service, and Mass for my unborn baby?  I plan to bury my baby in a large decorative pot because I live in an apartment (I don't have a garden, only a balcony).  Then I will plant a nice rose bush in this pot as a memorial for my baby.  Is this a good idea?  Please give me advice.  I want to do what is right according to Roman Catholic Teachings.  Please help.  Thank you.  

Answer
Hazell,

 I'm so sorry to learn of your loss. Please know that I will pray for you. It is certainly not necessary for you to have all of the Church functions--wake, mass, etc.--for this baby. In the vast majority of cases, when a miscarraige occurs the mother does not or cannot recover the tissue. The tissue is disposed of as medical refuse . . . in your case, you have the ability to honor your child. I think what you propose is an acceptable way to do this. (If you were to dispose of the tissue in a respectful way, this would be acceptable as far as the Church is concerned. How much better that you will be able to establish a living memorial.) My only reservation would be to caution that the sight of the rose bush or the pot might cause you continuing grief. If this could possibly be the case, then you must dispose of the tissue in a way that you would never have a visual reminder every day. Only you know how to answer this.

I suggest that you hold a small private memorial service with family to establish a point of closure for this pregnancy and your loss. My wife and I had the same thing happen to us. We lost a child at about five months, and a son at eight months. Susan my wife wasn't really at peace with the first loss until we held a memorial for her years later.

God bless you, dear.

Deacon Tom