Expert: Griff Ruby - 11/15/2006

Question
When both a husband and a wife are catholic, and has several children, but the husband has made it very clear he wants no more children and is of a very aggressive temperament and is very lacking in the faith and is not open at all to any forms of NFP and the wife wants to be open and obey God, but is also very afraid of the husband's continuous very negative attitude if she does nothing since he will not be "with her" if nothing is done:  what can the woman do to handle this situation properly?

Answer
I have thought long and hard on this.  Not that the answer is hard to give, but that I sense it will be painful to hear.  The real hardest case along these lines would be where the husband is not as above but a loving and caring person who just can barely control himself and keep faithful to his wife, and who is almost sure to go out elsewhere to "get his" if he can't from his wife without risking an unwanted pregnancy.  The answer to that would still be the same, but even more painful to hear.
And the answer is this.  Sin is never advisable, not even to avoid a potentially greater sin.  You would never think of stealing a gun from someone who might use it for murder (though perhaps there might be some legal recourse to have it legally confiscated if there really is a danger he might actually use it on someone, for example if he threatened someone with it), just as you would never think of murdering someone just to prevent them from becoming a thief.
Artificial birth control is never an option, not for Catholics, and also not for anyone else either, for after all it is the Catholic God who will judge us.
In this case, since the man would be of a violent temperament, and might become a hazard to himself or others, it would be practical to separate (not divorce, as that is not possible, apart from in the merely secular legal sense where it might be useful, but cannot sever the spiritual bond between the couple).
One other possibility that might serve here (as a nice compromise suggestion) would be that any further child that results can be put up for adoption, so he does not have to handle having any more kids to raise.
If the situation is not so dire as to entail actual danger, that is why NFP exists and is permitted.  Even that was never meant to be used lightly, but a situation as described above would warrant it.  And that really only blocks out a narrow window of time during each month anyway.  "working within the system," so to speak, she could ensure that he "gets his" as many times as he can immediately before entering such a period, and again as much as he likes immediately afterwards, so that spent and sated, the few days of abstinence would make no difficult demands on him.
There is another aspect to consider here.  A man, especially one who is supposedly a Catholic (though obviously only a "nominal one") would have to have some reason that he has to "get his" so frequently that he can't be willing to take a few days off from it.  Perhaps he is entertaining himself with pornography or suchlike, exciting himself with it, and then wanting to do the things he saw.  Is he that much a total slave to it that he cannot even question its role in his life?  Many enslaved by pornography or similar practices often become resentful of the way their "thing" dominates their life and controls them.  Has he any of this resentment for it?  If so, then at least a part of him might be supportive of his wife's efforts to wean him of it as she appeals to his better nature.  But if not then frankly I think he is a danger to himself and others, and it would be best that he is simply not "with her" as he has already left.
Anyway, there are these things to consider, reasons to separate if it cannot be worked out, and ways to try to work it out if something of the original love remains, but "birth control" is never morally acceptable.  And trying to accommodate him by sinning will only help his temper quite temporarily, as having gotten his wife to put him ahead of God, his pride and arrogance will necessarily have to move on to greater conquests.
Finally, this kind of serves as a painful lesson from life one can learn, if not in time to help oneself, then at least to help others, friends, sisters, daughters, nieces, and so forth.  Marriage is a serious covenant to enter into, and how easily and frivolously so many people enter into it with people they barely know, and even those their own parents or other family members already knew not to be good for them, but they go ahead anyway.  His temper was known to her family and friends even before her marriage, and she was duly warned, "but I love him!"  But now one sees here how it is that such love is not enough where one marries someone who is not honorable.
This isn't something she is imposing on him, but something God imposes on both her and him.  If he has a problem with such a policy, then let him take it up with God, since that is where it comes from.  She did not make it up, nor did I, nor the Church.  And he had no problem with it when he and she were told in their premarital meetings with the priest that this would be the way of things if they marry, so what right has he got to complain about it now?
Anyway, I hope some useful suggestions have emerged here, and also the right frame of mind for her to better be able to stand up to him in this difficult area, come what sacrifices may.  My heart and prayers go out to anyone in this painful and difficult circumstance, God bless.