Expert: Griff Ruby - 6/29/2004

Question
Hi,my names Teresa and i'm 16 years old. I'll be entering my 11th grade year coming up in Aug. Ever since my 9th grade year I've always just had this desire to go to AFRICA! and work with all the sick children down there. I'm very close to God and I pray to him every day and serve him as much as i can. I just feel like God has someting planned for me to do. I'm not sure, but I feel like theres something better out there for me. At first when i felt this I was scared and just wanted to live my life how everyone else was. Ya know, find true love, get married, have kids, the end. But now its like none of that is really important to me. I found out that you get what you really want and need when you just ask God to give what he thinks, instead of asking for specific things that you want. But I guess I just wanted to know if this was a calling or not. Or maybe I'm just some kid who doesn't know what shes talking about. I mean even tho this might sound great to you that I'm close to God, I don't really live the IDEAL christian lifestyle only because I've had sex with my boyfriend numerous times. We've been dating for 2 years now and it gets hard just to say no. I honestly feel like this is my biggest down fall in life. I also smoke pot. I think that Marijuana is one of the greatest things God put on this Earth. I'm aware of all the bad things that could come out of pot, but its only if you're not smart about it. I look at pot like alcohol, if you abuse it than you get abused. But I don't drink alcohol at all. I feel like I beccome a whole new person when I'm drunk that I don't like. But when I'm high, i always think of the good things that could happen. I know I sound like a total hippy *haha*. But this is just how my life is. Any insight on what you think would be great.
Thanx,Teresa

Answer
My apologies for the delay on this, but I have had a difficult time trying
to see what the answer is here, and even now I am still not sure.
Parts of what you say sound so ringlingly like a calling as to make one want to go "of course, Duh!"  Other parts just as ringingly sound as if not.
One thing that sticks out to me is the fact that these "missionary thoughts" seem to have been around roughly as long as your boyfriend (about 2 years).
This suggests a relationship between the two events in your life.  I don't see him asking to go to Africa with you, so it also seems that his role is clearly alternative to the role of any calling, whether to Africa or somewhere else.  It's him versus "the calling."
So I see two possible scenarios:
1)  The calling is real and reflects what your future life is truly meant to be like, but part of you recoils with fear at the thought of leaving everything behind you previously expected from life (husband, children, home) and so you turn to this boyfriend as a way of "escaping" from your calling, or making it seem "less real" to you.
2)  The calling is merely a fantasy, a result of part of you "knowing" that things should not be the way they are between you and this boyfriend, and therefore wishing that you were as far away from it all as possible, perhaps on the furthest part of the earth 'way down in Africa somewhere.
From where I am sitting, I really can't tell which of these it is, so here would be my thoughts on how you can find out, in case it is still as hard for you to see as it is for me.
What can you be doing now for the "sick little children" right in your own present hometown?  Surely local hospitals and such places would have opportunities for young, eager, and helpful volunteers like yourself to help out with this very thing.  So go volunteer.  And if just going up to some hospital and asking to help seems intimidating (after all, who, there, would you speak to about this?), a counselor at school would be quite helpful in knowing specifically what programs exist locally, and of guiding you to the right people to speak to to volunteer.  Working at such a thing will show you what you could be doing in africa, and whether that really is what life holds for you there.
It occurs to me that you probably have not done any of this, since one thing that would prevent such a counselor from helping you in this is your interest in pot.  Don't think it goes unnoticed; people know what you have been doing.
I should point out that as a teenager myself I briefly experimented with it, but after only a week I quit it because I did not like the person I was becoming because of it.  No addiction to any substance, whether marijuana or alcohol or anything else, ever makes a person a better person.
Only an addict who is quite hooked would believe otherwise.  It doesn't matter that "marijuana is no more serious than alcohol," even if that were true, since ANY chemical addiction sets you at a grave disadvantage in life.  Call it unfair if you like, but that's just how it is.  If a school counselor sees some "pot-smoking hippie" asking to be a volunteer for hepling people, what they won't do is point you to real places where you could volunteer, whereas if they see a clear-headed responsible student, taking hard classes and getting good grades, and living a responsible life (having sex with a boyfriend is gravely irresponsible; what if you get pregnant?  Will you kill it?  Impose it on your family?  What?), and who then comes in asking for a volunteer position helping out with little kids, I can assure you they will have a list of things to choose from as long as your arm.
Curiously, becoming a missionary to Africa entails the same sacrifices of having to give up certain things you like (like pot or sex with your boyfriend), or else what "message" can you have for the children in Africa?  That pot is great?  Who would sponsor such a "missionary" (other than a drug lord)?
For you see that being a missionary is not itself a paying job.  It is paid for by people who believe in what you are doing, and who would be doing it themselves if only the other committments of life (family, home, job, friends, etc.) did not make it impossible.  A missionary for a Church has the support of that Church, and that means not only the money to go there, but also the contacts to make your help there welcome.  Otherwise you go as a tourist and accomplish nothing.
When you get to Africa and say "Hey, I'd like to help out here," if you come as your own missionary the response is "Who are you (like I care)?  Get lost!"  But if the Church sends you (or some other organization, such as the Peace Corps), then the response is "Good, you're here.  We need you to..." and you start your first assignment.
So another part of weighing your calling is your willingness to give up pot (and sex with your boyfriend).  If you are unwilling to do that, then pot and/or sex plainly means more to you than the children of Africa, and you have your answer right there.  But if, despite all belief on your part that they really are harmless or unavoidable, you nevertheless do willingly and voluntarily give up those self-destructive behaviors, and seek to do well in school, preparing (perhaps) for a career in nursing in order to seek and fulfill such a calling, then that too would be your answer.
I hope this helps, God bless!