Expert: Griff Ruby - 12/4/2005

Question
Hello,

I have a question on whether or not imagining sex is wrong. I am a virgin and plan to save myself for marriage, but I must admit it is one of the hardest things for me to do. I try to get by, by simply fantasizing my boyfriend and I on our wedding night [that is, if we ever marry]. I don't ever fantasize anything as boyfriend and girlfriend, but rather as a wife and husband - so would this make not as bad for lack of a better word?

I always question this because it's wrong to watch pornography and such, so is simply imagining sex in the same category?

I hope you can answer my question and have a wonderful day - God bless!

-Madison

Answer
At the very least you are just looking for trouble, and quite likely you have already stumbled into it.  There is far more to virginity than merely not having gone all the way with some guy or even waiting for marriage before allowing it.  While that much is commendable so far as that goes, our Lord Jesus Christ made it clear that there are more ways of committing adultery than merely the full-blown "act" itself.
He spoke of "adultery of the heart" in which a person "commits adultery of the heart" by wrongfully desiring someone they are not married to.  I don't see how what you have been doing could fail to be adultery of the heart since no doubt this boyfriend is cast as the fictitious "husband" in your fantasies.  What if you never marry him?  What if you marry another?  You have already "been" with this guy in your mind and in your heart.  And even if you do marry him he will not live up to the fantasy "lover" who wears his face in your dreams.  In fantasies he will always say and do all the exactly right things you could ever wish for, but if you are actually married to this guy he will do none of them no matter who he is or how good he is.  So even then you have cheated on him in that you have been (in your dreams) with some different guy, a guy of your own creation, even though he wears this guy's face.
And I have to wonder what you mean by "thinking" here.  There is a whole spectrum of what a person could mean by that, ranging from a brief thought, over a cup of coffee at work break, about "wouldn't it be nice to be married to him and make children and nurse them and see their first words and so forth" (which might indeed be sufficiently innocent) to an opposite extreme which would include undoubtably sinful acts, which would be a very serious sin indeed.
The whole point of pornography is to cause the reader/viewer/participant to performs sinful and unnatural acts which are, if possible, even more sinful than merely going all the way with some guy you are not married to.  Such "thinking" would serve the same purpose, and as such needs to simply stop altogether.  In addition, I recommend you confess any such sins to a priest in the confessional.
So, what to do when you find it difficult to wait until marriage?  Get up from wherever you are sitting or lying and walk around, do chores, visit friends, and find other stuff to occupy your mind and time.  Why torture yourself with thoughts about something you simply cannot rightfully do?  Until such time as you should marry, live as if there simply does not exist any such thing as sex.  If a man courts you, see him as simply a friend, at least until you have an engagement ring and a scheduled (through the Church) wedding date.  Even then, continue to avoid such thoughts altogether, also watching out to see that whatever guy you are with does not make any moves on you.
It won't be easy.  At first it may seem worse trying to cope with not permitting yourself anything along those lines, but the habit of true purity does eventually grow and take root and you will one day arrive at the point that you wouldn't even want to think about such things.