Expert: Griff Ruby - 12/5/2004

Question
Hi, I have a problem with masturbating, each day i always tell myself I will never masturbate again and yet i do. What is the best way for me to stop? I am really upset at myself, and disappointed. I want to find my way.

another question, even if i am a sinner, can a prayer to St Jude be answered, by his intercession?

Answer
Another person asked me about this not too long ago, and following is my answer together with their question.  As to St. Jude, you should be in a state of sacntifying Grace, which can be obtained by confessing your sin to the priest and obtaining absolution.  Be prepared to go thus to the priest many times, as needed, but always have the fierce determination to remain pure & untouched as I describe in my answer to the other person.  So, confess your sin, and then pray to St. Jude.  If you fall again, then confess it again, and then you may continue praying to St. Jude.
Now, to the other person's question & answer:

I am a Catholic who's returned to the faith after being away for several years. For the past month or more, I've been attending church regularly, studying Catholicism daily, went to confession for the first time in 7 or more years on Tuesday, etc.

But while I was away from the church all that time, I developed some bad habits. This is a bit embarrassing to talk about, but since it might help solving my questions, I'll admit those habits included masturbation, sexual contact with my girlfriend (rarely intercourse, but mainly non-intercourse sexual acts), and so on... After a lot of reading and listening to Catholic sources, I realize that these things are wrong - they're sins.

So now I'm working very hard to avoid them. But, I find that I still have a lot of "sexual energy," for lack of a better term. The more days that I repress this energy by not doing any of the sinful acts that I used to do, the more intense the energy becomes. It's an energy that peaks (sometimes it seems for no reason at all) and then subsides. The amount of time that it peaks increases over the days that I try to ignore it. Early on, the energy probably peaks for 5-10 minutes, once or twice a day, and then subsides for the rest of the day. Sometimes it appears in smaller quantities during the day, without really "peaking," so it's more easily subdued.
I'm not sure if all of this is normal for a 25-year-old male, or if it's because of my years of bad habits. Probably both.

So, at last my question is how should I address this "sexual energy" in accordance with Catholic teaching - do I try to ignore it and wait till it subsides, or is there any acceptable way to act on it aside from sex specifically performed inside of marriage for the sake of procreation?

To make the problem a bit more complex, (and again, this is embarrassing to talk about, and I apologize, but I'll use the scientific terminology here), the longer I abstain from acting on this "sexual energy," the more I have sexual thoughts or "fantasies." My mind begins to wander toward seeing women as objects for sexual gratification. Not to try to make an excuse for sinning, but if I simply act on the "sexual energy" by experiencing orgasm, my sinful, lustful thoughts are cleared, the energy is expended, and the problem seems to be at least temporarily solved.

I want to do the right thing very much! But this is really difficult for me. It feels almost unhealthy to not act on the "sexual energy" that I'm experiencing. And I'm so confused, if the only acceptable sexual act is intercourse between a husband and a wife for the sake of procreation, how to I choose between the sin of non-intercourse sexual acts to relieve my "sexual energy," or the sin of lustful, sexual thoughts and "fantasies" that result from attempting to repress my "sexual energy?"

Please advise.
God Bless!!!
Answer:  I have taken so long here because you ask a very difficult question (and you ask it so well!) which usually has no simple answer. How I do wish I could just tell you to "pray this prayer" or "wear this magic garment" and never sin this sin again, but I am sure you realize the answer will not come anywhere near so easy as that.
Our Lady at Fatima told the three children that more souls would be lost due to sins of the flesh than all others combined, and so we see (and experience) the struggle today, with no support or encouragement from the world around us, and even (at times) it would seem, from the Church.
I have also been a 25-year-old man (I am now 45), unmarried at the time, and going through the same difficult struggles you are going through, where if one does not "give in," one instead faces overwhelming desires and obsessions. There is no short cut here. Until you are validly married to a woman, in a position to produce and raise however many children God sees fit to send you, there is no voluntary act in which you are permitted to engage to obtain "relief." None.
God and the Devil are fighting over your soul in this, and with each time you fall the Devil scores another point (and each time your desires/fantasies/obsessions peak and you somehow manage to restrain yourself through them, God scores another point).
Yes, the longer you hold out, the more often this pressure will peak and cause you to feel as if you will go mad if you don't yield to it. What I have found however is that it peaks from about three to six weeks after one's last failure, and after that it begins to trail off slightly. Then it becomes more maneagable.
The Devil puts so many lies in our heads in order to place all manner of fear in us, as if we are being "unnatural" if we don't give in, as if we "must" "use it or lose it" or else as of our balls might explode from sheer pressure if we don't let something out once in a while. If we can be truly and properly chaste for several months, we often reach a point where it really seems to have ceased to be a problem, sometimes days passing without a single "peak," and then the Devil scares us by claiming that we have lost it and will be unable to father children when the time for that should finally come, and so forth. Yet how easily and quickly it all comes crashing back in on us with full force if we yield to that fear for even an instant!
Yes, the obsessive thoughts and fantisies "go away" and leave you alone for a while if you give in to the sin, but here the Devil is like a dog who, when fed goes off into a corner to chew his food for a while, but then he gets hungry again and soon is back, this time with several bigger dogs, hungrier than himself, and all of them demanding food (sin) all the more.
So what you need here is a burning, fierce desire to please God at any cost, a resolve to stay pure and "untouched" regardless of all the "even ifs" the Devil can throw at you. Do you feel like you would "go mad" if you don't give in? Be willing to "go mad" if you must but do not give in. Do you feel as if your balls will explode if you don't give in? Be ready to prefer, in that darkest hour of temptation, that your balls should explode rather than you touch yourself wrongly even one more time.
In point of fact however, what happens is that the excess fluids can and will (eventually) drain off in your sleep, often associated with provokative ("wet") dreams. So long as you do nothing to encourage these dreams, such as by exposing yourself to salacious reading or viewing or bad associations (getting too close in a wrong way with such a "girlfriend" as you described), and give no conscious, waking consent to them, there is no sin. Another thing I have seen is that at those times of peak desire, oftentimes some fluid will drain off though I have touched nothing, felt nothing, and not sinned. Between such drainings and also the surrounding tissue's ability to absorb the excess, I assure you your balls will not explode (though there may be times it almost feels as if someone is stepping on them).
I think one important thing is to cultivate a true love for the virtue of holy chastity. For me, the complete and utter chastity of the Virgin Mary was long a tremendous allure, spurring me on to be also worthy, as Joseph was, of such a flawless bride. For another, I recall the example of Saint Catherine of Sienna (the Church's first known "Doctress") who was also going through this same exact struggle, desiring like crazy yet refusing to give in to that same forbidden touch, when Christ appeared to her and she asked Him, "Where were you when I struggled with such difficulty with this terrible sin?" to which He answered "I was in your heart rejoicing in your valiant victory."
Think of having to overcome this sin as like being in Purgatory. Your past sins, though forgiven, must still be atoned with the difficulties, struggles, and suffering you must go through now. And it is best that we deal with it now, while we are yet in life, while it is relatively easy compared to the suffering it would be for us to atone for it in Purgatory.
With every temptation (peak period of desire) the question is asked again, whom will you serve? God (by staying untouched), or Satan (by sinning)? Closely wrapped up with our sex drive is also our desire to submit to authority and yet also contrarily (strangely), to wield authority. The perversion of these desires (along with that of sex itself) is what makes "S & M" so popular in this decadent world. Yet there is a proper place even for the desires wrongly abused and perverted in that grave sickness. For the "M" side, we willingly and joyfully submit to the will of God, no matter what suffering and discomfort it brings on, and even thanking God for His righteous and holy standards. For the "S" side, our spirit imposes the will of God on our flesh, even rejoicing in the "suffering" we have thus imposed on our own flesh. I cannot count the number of long, agonizing nights I have spent thanking God for having completely forbidden any and all dirty filthy touching of the forbidden area "down there," my hands clasped in prayer near my face (sometimes biting my fingers), finally to rejoice in seeing the sun rise on a new day and I have remained pure through the whole night.
It is a day by day struggle, with each day costing more than you ever thought you could pay, but I can assure you that as you finally begin racking up the weeks and months and even years of total victory, it will be like Heaven. And there does come a point when purity itself becomes a habit, conteracting the bad habit, and almost "second nature." Never plan to fail; never say "I will start being pure after this one more time." Now is the day of salvation.
But if a failure occurs (as it did many times from the day of my first resolve in this area until the day of my final victory), make at once an act of perfect contrition "Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having sinned against You, for I fear the loss of heaven and the pains of hell, but most of all because I offended You, who are worthy of all my love, and I heartily resolve to confess my sin, do penance, and amend my life," then confess the sin to a priest and obtain absolution. It is bad enough to lose a skirmish, but far far worse to lose the war (by giving up the struggle altogether and resigning to the will of Satan). Then pick yourself up and start all over again.
Be careful in all your associations with women; never allow yourself to be in a compromising position, alone with a woman in a private setting, and so forth. Each time you find yourself attracted to a woman, remind yourself that "doing anything" immoral with her is absolutely out of the question, even if she wishes it. "Nothing is going to happen here!"
Of course, IF you are sufficiently established in your job or career that you could reasonably marry and support a family, and IF a particular woman you meet is truly single and available and qualified as a prospective bride and willing to date/correspond with you and get to know you better, then certainly a courtship is proper, and should typically last at least 6 months to about 2 years. Even then though, hang no hopes on a fantasized future with her, for frequently engagements are broken, feelings change, sometimes a side of someone is revealed that is intolerable (hopefully thankfully before you marry such a person/nightmare). And most of all entertain no thoughts of how, "one day" when you are married you can "be" with this woman, etc. Let it be to you as if there does not exist any such thing as "sex," as if "down there" on you and her is nothing but a "third armpit," irrelevant, immaterial, and unimportant. Court, pair off, even plan a life together (and the wedding), as if children just fall from the sky from storks or grow in cabbages, and allow yourself no different frame of mind until after the ink is dry on a (Church-approved) wedding certificate. Be worthy of the right woman (who will have been doing the same things herself).