Expert: Griff Ruby - 1/2/2008

Question
QUESTION: I was widowed 2 1/2 yrs ago with a large family of youngkids. I remarried despite having serious reservations about my future spouse as a good priest was emphatically supportive about going ahead with her. That being the case I married her and almost from day one we have had great stress and many arguments. Within weeks she was talking about annulling the union and telling me I should've married someone else. Some days are nice while many are deeply depressing. We are now expecting and my kids refer to her as "Mommy". Hypercritical, sarcastic and disparaging
on a frequent basis of my ability as a parent-she has never had children before-and of my entire family-I am approaching the point of being massively fed up. She has spoken about leaving me on numerous occasions which I find outrageous but I am disgusted. Initially she agreed to pool our financial resources-she sold an apartment before we married-now I discover that although she wishes to move to a new house to be disassociated from the home of my late wife she lent the money from the sale of her apartment to her brother.

ANSWER: Since you were widowed of your first wife, you were quite free to marry again.  Question is, did you remarry in the Church or just consult a judge or ship's captain, etc.?
If you did not marry with a Catholic priest presiding, you can annul this, and it will be easy.  If you did get a Catholic priest to do it, then your only other recourse would be to see if you can find any evidence of deliberate deception on her part to marry you (for your money, or your children, etc.) which might also provide a valid basis for an annulment on the basis of fraud.
Failing that, the marriage is valid, but perhaps you might just consider letting her go and raise the children on your own (not easy, I know, but I do know a man who is doing it, so it must be possible).
Sorry things turned out so badly.  I hope this helps, God bless!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for responding to me.

I wonder if also the issue of maturity of one or both of those contracting Catholic marriage can be an issue-no? I fear she went ahead with it out of fear of embarrasment-wedding invitations-big party preceding marriage.

Neveertheless she has shown a strong bond to me on many occasions. I don't relish the thought of my infant son or daughter being raised alone or by a different step father. Nor do I particularly like the idea of my kids having a "late mommy" and also an "ex-mommy" and the issues relating to their dad not keeping the marriage together.

I think people divorce too easily although my wife is putting my endurance to a big test.

Answer
Unfortunately, "immaturity" has become the catch-all escape clause for nearly every "annulment" they grant these days.  It's so easy - just find some quack psychiatrist to aver that either of those in the wedding one wishes to annul was "psychologically immature" (which really would have credibility only if the person(s) had somehow not attained the use of reason - arguable for children under 7 and imbeciles or idiots (I use the terms in their technical medical sense), but not for anyone else), and poof the marriage is dissolved!
Sadly, there is no real canonical or sacramental or theological basis for such an "out" and one effectively gets permission for divorce (which has no validity before God) with that approach.  It's truly monstrous what has been going on in allowing that.  By that criteria King Henry VIII could have gotten as many annulments as he could ever have wanted.  Or as a late MD friend of mine used to say, "I was asked by the marriage rota if in my expertise as a psychiatrist did I believe that (So-and-so) was immature at the time of their marriage.  I responded that 'Yes, (So-and-so) was immature at the time of their marriage, and I would also add that (So-and-so) is STILL immature.'  They then responded with 'Thank you for your  medical opinion, Doctor, but we will get another doctor.'"
Your later thoughts are far more germane and useful.  Yes, you don't want your children to have to contend with the situation of a "late-mommy" or "ex-mommy" and so forth.  It looks to me like you really have married this woman, and I might point out that the "strong bond" that she has to you might well be the results of the power of the sacramental bond of matrimony.  It really is to be "for better or worse," so cherish the good times and patiently bear the bad times and forgive all, and go on forgiving no matter how much of that is needed.  Brace yourself for the long haul of being with this woman for the rest of your life.  Try to find what is good in her and always praise and encourage her in whatever she does well.  Make it your "song," what you tell yourself and say to her, "There is no way out of this marriage but feet first" (i. e. in the morgue)  It really is "until death do us part" and there is nothing like committing to make it work to make it work.
I know it won't be easy and my heart goes out to you and your family as you all struggle to make this work, God bless.