Expert: Griff Ruby - 11/29/2004

Question
Thank you very much for the time and thought you put into your reply.  I'm sorry it took me so long to respond (Thanksgiving and all...)

I understand what you are saying, but I must honestly say that my situation is much more complex than the scenario you describe.  For one thing, I am NOT currently living in a sinful situation.  But, I AM completely miserable in the situation that I am in.  And it is my misery that is having a negative impact on those around me.

If I were to leave my current situation, it would put me into a new situation that some may consider sinful.  So, if it all comes down to sinfulness - and the Church's doctrines on such things - then you are right:  I already know what I need to do.  I need to STAY in the situation that I am in.  Of course, in doing so, I am sentencing myself to a lifetime of misery.  I guess that is what God wants me to do, in hopes of a better afterlife?  It sure seems mean to me, considering how happy everyone else is, but maybe I just need to learn to live with this.

I doubt I have even conveyed my point very well, but maybe you understand.  At any rate, thank you again for your reply.  It was very kind of you to take the time and interest.

Craig
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Followup To
Question -
Hello Griff,

I was actually planning to write a priest, but your "expertise" is right down the alley for what I need, so I thought I'd give you a try.

I am trapped in a horrible - and I do mean HORRIBLE - situation.  And I have been trapped in this situation for the past 10 years.  For most of this time, I have been praying to God to show me the right thing to do.  Please notice:  I have NOT been praying that God will miraculously take this situation away.  ALL I have been praying for is that He will show me the right thing to do.  I am hurting other people in this situation, but I will also hurt them if I try to get OUT of this situation.  I am at a complete loss as to what God wants me to do, and all I want is for Him to tell me.  But, it has been TEN YEARS and He won't say a thing to me.  I have begged, prayed, sat silent, kneeled before the Blessed Sacrament, pleaded, moaned and cried - but still, I cannot get an answer.  WHY will God not answer me?  HOW can I get Him to answer me?  WHEN will He answer me?  Will He EVER answer me?  Ten years is a long time to wait, especially when other people are involved.  All I want to do is the GOOD and RIGHT thing.  Wouldn't you think God would be happy to give that kind of guidance?  Why will He not answer me?  What can I do that I haven't already done?

Craig
Answer -
So often we weigh sin in terms of how much others are impacted by it.  It is easy (but false) to say, "well, this last sin I did didn't really hurt anyone much, so it couldn't have been really all that serious," or else "Wow, six people just died because of my mistake; what a truly heinous sin it was!"
But God does not weigh our sins with any view to their effects, but purely and strictly the nature of the sin itself.
I notice you make no reference to the details of the horrible situation itself.  I take this to mean that what you are really seeking is to understand how one hears from God, in general, and not merely for your specific situation.  I admire this long-sightedness.  The bare fact of being able to seek such a general answer could be your first step into a larger world.
Yet you have heard nothing, even after ten years of seeking.  Often (not always, but usually enough that this is definitely the first thing to check), in such cases it turns out that there are Divine directives in the regular public revelation that already cover your situation, even in its particulars.  You know that your presence in this situation is hurting people, and yet you fear that your departure from this situation would also hurt people.  But as I indicated above, one does not measure the sinfulness of an act in terms of what other people may or may not be more or less "hurt."  If it is objectively sinful for you to remain in your present situation, then you are obliged to leave.
Let me take an example.  I do not claim that this is your situation, but perhaps it may do as a neutral example:
Imagine a guy living with some girl he is not married to, and for some reason cannot marry (she is already married to someone else and cannot get out of it even though the someone else has long since left her).  He should leave, but there are children in the situation who have known him for several years (as long as most of them can remember) and think of him as "daddy."  Does he stay with this girl in a sinful relationship or does he abandon the children who after all need a father figure?
There are two recourses in this situation.  The first (which may not be open to one) is to take authority over the situation.  In this example, the guy tells the girl and children that "here is how it is going to be;  I sleep in this room and you sleep in that room and only the children sleep anywhere else."  If the rule cannot be enforced, then one must move to the other recourse, which is to leave the household altogether.  They will get over it.  Be assured that you are not the only one qualified to do the job.  Have the humility to know that you really are replaceable, especially in any situation that it is not right for you to be in in the first place.  In that example, there may still be further recourses one can take in order to continue having a positive influence on the children, such as visitation rights and so forth.  The children should be made to know, to the extent their level of development permits, why it is that you have to leave and that you really do still care for them.  This actually does them good as it shows them the example of someone doing what is right.
Otherwise, if you continue compromising, all that shows anyone is the art of compromise, which teaches nothing and sets a worse example than the "no example" of completely leaving the situation.
Anyway, I hope this example provides some idea as to what to do for your own situation, which would seem to be at least comparible.  Take authority (if possible), or else leave, and be prepared to leave, if all else fails, with only your shirt on your back.  Get out alive, for it is better to lose an eye or an arm than to lose your eternal life.  And only when you yourself are in a state of Grace can you convey any real Graces to others.  Being cut open may hurt worse than appendicitis, but if your appendix must go then you go under the knife for a time, andonly after that can you get any better.
But you know what?  You knew this already.  Perhaps it just takes someone giving you that little push in what you know to be the right direction, though it will temporarily hurt.  If this can be that "push" then I will be glad.  There is a world of difference between really not knowing what to do versus saying you don't know what to do simply because the thing you do know must be done is something you are unwilling to do.  In the first case, one might indeed get an answer in some fashion.  The few times I have ever really had to say "What the heck do I do now?" an answer has amazingly presented itself in (usually) rather short order.  But in the other case, expect no help in the matter, no matter how long you wait.


Answer
You say that "some" could think it sinful for you to leave from your miserable situation.  Again, the question should never be what "some" think but what God mandates.  Since the situation itself is not sinful for you to be in, then yes it is permissible to remain therein, but given the grave misery it causes you, it wouldn't hurt to look into what sinless ways there might exist to extricate yourself from it.  To go back to a simple example as I used before, one could not seek to get a divorce from a bad marriage, but a separation (with no thoughts of ever remarrying) would be permissible, given the level of misery you have described.
As far as what means to get out (if any) could be sinless or how to do it, I'm afraid that you will have to get into the specifics with someone, a priest or counselor for example, who can help you navigate your way out of it.  And again, there are no divine manifestations or appiritions coming since you would again have the means at your disposal to obtain the help you need.  Avail yourself of those means; don't wait for your house to burn down before calling the fireman since they even have time to get cats out of trees, and certianly your situation is more urgent than a cat in a tree.