Expert: Anthony Tarquinto - 1/24/2012

Question
Hello,

First, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my message, which will focus on my sexual health. This is an important and sensitive issue for me as I am still a virgin in my early thirties. Now, there are definitely a few reasons as to why I have remained one, so please allow me to be brief.

As a teenager, I was frequently involved in academics and social activities, which kept me busy. For instance, I was enrolled in honor courses, participated in JROTC, as well as track and field and varsity soccer. I was rather reserve, but still quite social, and I had crushes on some of my fellow co-eds (and sometimes reciprocal), but these 'crushes' did not materialize into full relationships. So basically I did not date during this time.

At the first college I attended I realized that it did not meet my social and cultural standards, or what I considered at the time a 'normal' college experience. Because it was a commute college, there was no strong 'residential student base' which would allow for chances for socializing, and subsequently dating.

I later transferred to a college on another coast because I wanted more from my academic and social experience. My transfer turned out to be good choice since I made progress toward my proposed career. Also, in the final semester of undergrad I actually landed my first date in college. She was a nice Christian and very sociable, and in one conversation I revealed that I was a virgin, she was one as well. While I enjoyed her time, I was not too aware of how clever she was since as she was in-between relationships. After she parted ways with her companion at the time, she later coupled with who she described as her 'male best friend'. I was actually rather upset since I provided her with personal information that was dear to me. Furthermore, since she was my first date (and first romantic experience) I did not know whether to be just a friend or pursue a relationship.

We stayed in contact for about two years after graduation, and I learned A LOT more about her. Her and her 'male best friend' split up sometime after graduation. Also, during this time I was in graduate school and I was fortunate travel to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil for 3 weeks with the intent enhancing my understanding of the Portuguese language and Brazilian culture. I had a conversation with her prior to my Rio trip, and for I asked her for dating advice (something I now regret), and I made reference to possibly having sexual relations. I think this urked her as a Christian since pre-marital sex was a bad idea, and she said that it would be a bad foundation for me. To make a long story short I did not 'get it in Rio', and the reserve, yet social persona that I carried my whole life was on the surface, I just spoke in Portuguese. I was very frustrated from that point (and in the present) because, honestly, I feel as if I missed out. And to add insult to injury, she later revealed to me that she engaged in pre-marital sex.

Due to stress from grad school and work, I no longer have the luxury of time and visual innocence (which was lost over time). I feel like my window of opportunity is growing smaller, as I will soon join an American workforce, which in my opinion, is too 'oversexed' to a diminishing point. Finally, I am not sure if my current state of absistence is helping. What advice can you give for my situation?

Answer
Sean,

    You and I have similar narratives, at least through the formative years. When I was in high school I was completely enveloped by academics - I was obsessed with grades and getting into a good college, just like you were. However when I was in college I was in way over my head - competing in the classroom with kids way smarter than me. It was the late 80's/early 90's, and all my friends were getting offers from the big-league investment houses like Bear, Lehman and Goldman, while I was just trying to graduate. Like you, as a teenager I had crushes. But I never had a date because I was such a basket-case around women - a complete klutz. I dropped things, tripped over my own feet and couldn't string coherent words together in a sentence.   
    You were wise in transferring to a college that better suited your social and cultural standards. I'm Roman Catholic, and attending a Catholic college was right for me. I was a sophomore when I had my first date. Her name was Shawna and needless to say I didn't get a second date. I was crushed.
    Sean, you must remember this: for guys like us, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I don't know why I have to go through this (the virgin thing), but I believe in God and this is happening for a reason. I know it. As far as the girl you described to me, she seems very intelligent, honest and level-headed. The fact that she suggested sex would be a "bad foundation" for you tells me that she really cares about you. She made a good judgement call. The fact that she had premarital sex with another guy is just a fact of life. Don't feel bad - at least she had the moral courage to tell you about it.
    It was good that you did not lose your virginity in Rio. You did not "miss out" on anything because you are still very young, and you have a bright future. You have the intellectual firepower to make it through these trying times, and you'll be fine.
   
         The most important advice I have for you is this:

         1) Your knowledge of Brazil and your ability to speak Portuguese makes you EXTREMELY marketable in your career. Brazil is one of the fastest growing, most dynamic economies in the world, and you have positioned yourself to do very well. Living and working in Rio would be a dream-come-true for most people (especially me), and you have a golden opportunity to do great things.
         2) While the American workplace is "oversexed," there are still places to go where you will not be inundated with all of the trappings of big-city life (like billboards, beer ads, strip-clubs, etc.) For instance I worked in Fort Worth Texas many years ago and the environment there is commensurate with Christian values.
         3) If your state of abstinence is bothering you, then you have to end it. As I told Anna-Maria Tremonti at CBC Radio, I don't want to be a virgin anymore. You can hear the interview at www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/episode/2012/01/03/adult-virginity/index.html

    This might help you relate where I am right now to where you are going. But please Sean, don't make the mistakes I made. Your career will take off soon and you might feel like giving up on women. This would be a big mistake - one that I regret dearly. All work, all the time, and no romantic life has hurt me. At this point I'm damaged goods.

    But you still have hope.

    The bottom line is this: your level of happiness is up to YOU, and no amount of sex (or lack thereof) can affect this. I am generally a happy person as a virgin, and I will be happy post-virgin. It's just the way I am.
    You seem like a happy person as well. You are extremely well-written, poised, and in control of your life. You have a lot to look forward to. Abstinence is something that you have learned to live with.

    Most importantly, PRAY over it. Ask for God's blessing and guidance and trust in Him.
    
    If you DO decide to continue your virginity, you might want to contact We Waited.  It is a website for virgins and people who are waiting, and they are seeking participants for an upcoming documentary. You can e-mail them at admin@wewaited.com and they'll fill you in. You would be helping a good cause. I'm getting more and more e-mails these days from people who just want answers, and YOUR input and life experiences might just help somebody. There is a celibacy movement, and like it or not, we're a part of it.

    Please drop me a line and let me know how things are going. I wish you the best.