I am 20 years old and a few months ago I decided to firmly become a brahmachari. The concept of life as most people live it is repulsive to me and the thought of craving after flesh and sense pleasures seemed disgusting to me and I decided to embark on this path.
It has not been easy, but somehow, I have made it to 2 months without self-abuse. However, lust took ahold of me a few days ago and although I controlled myself consciously while awake, I had a very sexually charged nocturnal emission and I feel as if all my efforts have gone to waste.
1) How do I deal with this depression that is slowly killing me from the inside-out? Have my two months of sadhana fully wasted as a result of having thought of these thoughts and having had a wet dream?
2) For some reason, although I can control my sensual feelings for women by envisioning Swami Sivananda's technique of meditating on a corpse, I cannot do the same for males. By birth, I consider myself a straight male but as a result of my abstaining from sexual thoughts as a brahmachari I develop a very, very strong attraction for the male organ of reproduction and have an overwhelming desire to perform oral sex on the organ of another man. This bothers me heavily and I desperately need your advice.
3) My intelligence is most important to me. I consider myself a scholar and the benefits brahmacharya has given me thus far are tremendous-Increased confidence, intuitive grasp, feeling of strength in the body, etc. Will my nocturnal emission destroy all gains? How do I control it further? When I develop severe cravings for the female body or male organ of reproduction, regular meditation and mula bandha does not work. What must I do?
4) When will I see the gains from my practice, in terms of intelligence? Will a single wet dream have cancelled any spiritual progress and intelligence progress I have made? I have heard of the medha nadi and aspire to reach the heights reached by Swami Vivekananda one day.
My god truly bless you. Your answers on this forum are my daily inspiration for my sadhana and desire to hold brahmacharya.
My thanks in advance,
1. Turn a blind eye to failure and focus on regular & uninterrupted Sadhana with meditation. Only through practice and dispassion do past Samskara-s weaken in the course of time.
2. Homosexual attraction is not caused by Brahmacharya, but is the result of past deeds. The solution to overcome the same is through sustained efforts at a life of Yoga to realize the self.
3. Let go of worries as regards failure. Also let go of this attachment to scholarship or strength. All these concern the Ego. Hold on to the state of self and be at peace. That which happens, happens. Let us see what happens.
4. Our duty ends at honest effort performed with a detached perspective. The rest, HE gives and we accept without contest.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)