After somehow stumbling upon your site a year ago, I have been trying to follow the life of brahmachari, atleast a life of not watching porn and not masturbating.
1) Everytime I maintain brahmacharya for close to 2 weeks, the urge becomes stronger and I start my porn habit again and masturbate, only to regret and feel ashamed. I feel that it is not me who is masturbating, but rather I am forced to masturbate from within. I have been involved with porn and masturbation for close to 16 years. I feel I am in deep shit now. I am unable to even genuinely call for God from within. Life is a pain. I experience the freshness of being lust free for a week or 2 but i go back to my old habits. Who and what can save me? I am very suicidal.
2) If karmic debts has been incurred, is there any use for prayachitta (atonement)? I have fantasized close to thousand womans who could have been sisters and mothers of others. With them in mind I have released my semen thousands of time. Is there any atonement for it?
3) With my situation, could it be such that God will not let me follow the path of brahamacharya because I have sinned sexually so much that I have to pay for my debts with a weak body, depressed mind and a hopeless future?
I can say that I am more or less a sexual addict (though I am still a virgin, I have not been sexually involved with a physical person) but my mind is a garbage.
I am in the verge of just dying sometimes. I feel hopeless and I can't feel the love of God. People around me are so happy. I feel like shit.
I am going to turn 30 but I already feel like 60 years old man.
Is there any hope for me?
1. Past Samskara-s (impressions) & Vasana-s (tendencies) from past lives force the Jiva in a particular direction. The Atman (self) within is forever pure, being a part of the Lord. There is no way out but to burn and banish these past impressions through Sadhana. Every person has to forge ahead and get done with the same. Then, the bliss of the Atman shines, full of peace, contentment and joy. Hence strive diligently as suggested in past answers and apply the methods correctly. Do not get deterred by failure. Gradually increase the periods of Brahmacharya. From now on you will persevere this way, following which the grace of the Lord shines.
Suicide is not the solution, as the Jiva gets further burdened by the immense negative karma that comes from taking one's own life and will be placed in a much worse condition in the next incarnation. Are you looking for much more karma? Face the situation bravely through Yoga Sadhana and surrender to God, you will accrue immense merit and improve by leaps and bounds.
2. Striving to realize your 'self' as the Atman through Yoga Sadhana is the only atonement.
3. It is not God who is coming in the way but your own karma and ignorance. God is forever with you, waiting when you will persevere to know who you are. Hence commence the same at the earliest.
Placing complete belief in these words, surrender to God asking him to show the way and persist tirelessly in Yoga Sadhana. This will help you overcome the problem. This is the truth.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)