Celibacy/Abstinence/Sexual fantasies


Hello, I am a 36 yr old female who is single, I used to live in Europe where I dated many men in my 20s but, I wanted to fall in love and start a family. By the first or second date men were already touching me where I was not ready to be touched. When I came back to my birth city here in the US I find that getting a date and even having someone interested is hard because men (of any race)don't seem to like women in my race here. There are men who look at me but I refuse to settle for anybody because my sister who is much older than me drags men into her life and her life is getting worse. I am a well educated woman and I do not want to let my guard down. I stopped searching for a marriage mate since I went back to school to become a nurse (RN).
Now I am preparing for state boards. I am the only person in my house (with my lovely dog)and I keep thinking about sex. Porn is so easy to get on the internet and my religion is strict about sex before marriage. Studying for maternity is hell cause it gets me horny and I can't focus on the questions. I want to lose weight and feel better about my body before I start dating. Sexual tension drives me crazy because even in my religion men favor women of other races and they can be very rude and assume a 30-something yr old woman is too old to have a baby. They even have chaperones on dates to avoid premarital sex. There is no one I am interested in right now. And when I have a celebrity crush, I think about them too much and develop feelings of jealousy. Please help. I dream about being happy in a relationship and having great sexx ALOT! Also, finding someone who will wait until marriage has been difficult.

You seem to have a lot of issues keeping you from sex and couplehood.  Here are my thoughts:

1) Put all of this off until you have finished your nursing boards.  It will only be a few months and then you will be more free to work on sex and relationships.

2) Stop fretting about your race.  You can't change that.  Just get out there and meet men for whom race isn't an important criterion or for which your race is right one for them.

3) I would suggest getting involved in a different religious organization if the one you are in is holding you back.  Most churches have single groups and are eager to help people your age find a mate.

4) Once you meet someone you're attracted to, and the attraction is mutual, these questions about sex get easier to answer.

Feel free to ask me more questions!


All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Doug Adams, Ph.D.


When it comes to celibacy/abstinence, I am more likely to point out the downside of being sexually abstinent. I don't advocate abstinence as a long-term sexual lifestyle. Abstinence is a good thing when the alternative is being sexual in an indiscreet manner, but it is a bad thing when a healthy sexual lifestyle of being monogamous with a partner is available. I frequently answer questions in the masturbation and male masturbation categories on AllExperts.com. I take all questions pertaining to sexuality.


I am a category expert in the sexuality area on AllExperts.com and have written the web site HealthyStrokes.com for over thirteen years.

I have a Ph.D. in a field unrelated to sexuality from one of the leading educational institutions of the world.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.