Celibacy/Abstinence/Unable to hold on
I am an aspirant for celibacy but it has never fructified so far. i became an addict of masturbation from 14 years of age. now i am 34 and married with a child and family still tend to masturbation on and off. As usual it is a routine cycle i resolve not to do and be sincere in my efforts for avoiding masturbation. but unfortunately is has been a struggle for the past 20 years and i have not succeeded in maintaining celibacy. i do maintain it for some periods the maximum for an year and half just before my marriage but again i am a victim of viewing promiscuous websites in the internet and falling a vicitm to masturnbation. whether i am living with the family or staying away from them for work i tend to do masturbation. i pray to god to have mercy but it is not coming from my heart. I want to cry and call lord for help but i feel some how i am not doing the right type of prayer. I knew even superhuman effort cannot overcome kama and krotha and we need His mercy to overcome this tyranny of masturbation and the desire for sex.I am now entering adult dating site too now and then. But i do visit brahmacharya sites as well when i am sober, but this bloody lust has made me a prey. i even tried taking my life when i was young at 20 because of this masturbation habit but god saved me and i am again in the same plight. I wish i stay continent form now on, even today morning i broke celibacy by pillow masturbation twice after one week of celibacy. I really like to be a honest and perfect brahmachary but i am not able to do even an inch of the aspiration, now i have fallen so much i feel i am not able to achieve what i want to achieve that is my gut feeling. kindly help and save me from this plight. hari om help me please.....Are there any hope for hypocrites like me? Kindly tell me how to make for the loss and how to get proper control...
Do the suggested Sadhana honestly, with a strong urge to come out of the problem. Sadhana should be unbroken and heartfelt. The Lord's grace comes to those who strive as required, with patience, for a long time and not by wishful thinking.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)