Celibacy/Abstinence/A Cry for Help
I have taken many vows to go the brahmacharya path but have failed all times. This has led me to severe depression. I have always gone back to my old self of porn and masturbation and disgusting fantasies such as incest and others.
I am 31 and not married and my esteem and confidence has always been at rock bottom as far as I have known. Despite all these, the pleasure of porn and masturbation is still enslaving me. I sometimes masturbate even when I do not want to. I am even having intentions of having affairs with married women just to fulfill my life. Ironically, I am still a virgin and have not been romantically involved with anyone.
Despite being a qualified professional, I do not feel happy or confident. I feel like a low life form.
All these years of porn and masturbation has made me diabetic due to neglecting exercise. I feel suicidal. I have went through your steps. It looks long winded and I do not feel any effect.
Does this mean that my sins of masturbation and porn are so heavy that God has forsaken me?
I know its lame to ask but will committing suicide be an atonement for all these sins I committed?
1. Had God forsaken, the desire to come out would not have existed. One's very wish to come out of the trap is the effect of God's grace.
2. When past karma is strong, it takes time to dissolve. One should not lose hope and never give up on practice. Unfailing efforts from one's side are required to break past karma.
3. Suicide only complicates the problem further. Would you like to add heavy weight to the already existing karma, thereby carrying this state and more suffering to future existences? It is not the way of the wise.
Trust God and apply the prescribed Sadhana with devotion and commitment. The urge to break free from the trap has not yet reached the stage where unswerving Sadhana will be taken up; like how a drowning man holds on to another with the strength of ten elephants, to save himself.
When the urge for escape reaches that state, Sadhana will be taken up, no matter what and progress will slowly dawn.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)