Radhe Radhe sir
here I am showing my impatient and anxious mind, for please forgive me. You know if one shares one's painful feelings, mind gets a bit relaxed. The following queries may not important for you and our dear practitioners but you please cooperate me with your answers.
According to destiny each and every soul goes through pain and pleasure. At present I am reaping my impious activity because I am in pain. What brought me this painful condition is what I did terrible mistake in last year. It was like terrible curse acted upon me by my own very impious deeds. Sir my good days went forever after that incident. Sir what happened, more than one year before when I completed 10 months brahma chary, due to impatient I broke it by musterbating carelessly for 3 months. The main reason for this terrible act was that my intolerance towards the beahaviour of my parents scolding and others. At that time what I thought heros like sharukh,salman and heroine and other cricketers,football players indulging day and night sex still their opulences increase day after day. But I, inspite of going through a lot of pain of 10 months of celibacy at mental level, am not getting any opulence like intelligence passing in CA exam and others. In that year one of my friend got pass in PO of SBI without brhmacharya and my sister got pass in SBI cleark also without brahmacrya. Sir the main reason of my terrible musterbating activity (more than 50 or 55 times) is success of others without brhmacharya and my dissatisfaction towards my intelligence level even after practicing 10months celibacy. After this long period I had almost forgotten what is musterbating and achieved a lot of mental purity. I had full control over musterbating. The main reason of break is written above.
Sir my good times gone. Let me know you I became very strong physically after the practice. But due to frustration and failure in exam I musterbated more than 50 times excessively for 3 months. And now I am going through weakness in all over body, severe pain in waist area and my spectacle power increased greatly. Now inspite of practicing celibacy I am not experiencing fruit like previous brhmacharya. I am feeling I don't have veerya like before. I am going through terrible destiny. had I known this before, I would not have musterbated so badly. It is true destiny can not be sidestepped. But still please help me Sir. now I am 26 and half months and things are improving very very slowly inspite of my level best practice at present. I am gone forever becoz God will never come to return my previous hardearned previous strength and veerya. I have to wait till my next birth to fulfill my desire like brhmacharya, intelligence and strength. All these are not related to self-realisation and doing things without desiring result but still ignoring my ignorance, put your valuable attention towards my painful condition. Once you said earlier expectations are impediments before strict brhmacharya. And this terrible break due to academic failure has put me in a well of great pain. How can I come out of this well and where is my previous fruit of brhmacharya and I also don't find god'grace after such long practice of celibacy at mental level. Thank you.
Those who have been let into the practice by HIS grace should not return to recreational sexual activity. It goes against divine decree. The divine fruit called Brahmacharya is not given from above to all, and those who receive it should guard it more carefully than they would their own life. It is not something to be treated callously.
The aspirant should always make efforts to ensure that this temple called the body & mind are kept clean, pure and divine, from perfect practice, so as to provide residence to Brahmacharya [which is nothing but the manifestation of the Lord]. The gem called Brahmacharya, which is the divine power of powers will not remain in a mind and body which become inauspicious. It will go away.
Let go of comparison with others and let go of expectations for the fruits. It is not in one's right to expect fruits. One's duty ends at effort alone. The gracious Lord gives more than what one will ever want, when one proves himself worthy of such fruits.
Now that the mistake has been realized, take up honest practice with the required lifestyle as described earlier, taking care not to repeat the mistake ever. Sadhana has to be regular, proper and very meticulous. When the karma accrued is nullified, things will slowly stabilize.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)