Celibacy/Abstinence/Various queries and identity crisis
I have some deeply involved questions that need your insight to answer. I thank you in advance for your patience in answering my questions. Here they are:
1.) When I do intellectual activities, I lose my mind in these intellectual activities and I find it difficult to refocus my mind on god. Also, it is difficult to remind oneself of god when one is performing an activity that requires concentration and continuous thought of one object. If one is reading an in depth textbook on physics, how and when should remind oneself that his intellect and mind (which learn) are instruments of god, and one is serving god for self realization yet absorb and understand the material required?
2.) Also, is it alright to serve god for the sake of realization? That is, should one say "god, I am doing this activity to serve you, so that I may get realization and merge in you."
3.) Who is writing this message to you at the present? Who am I at the moment? You have said a Jiva is body, mind, intellect, consciousness and ego. So in my case, am I the ego? Is that who I am? Is that who is talking to you?
4.) When I identify with the supreme, and say I am Atman, who is identifying with the Atman? Is it the ego? Is the ego identifying himself with the supreme self and allowing the supreme self to control his body, mind and intellect through self surrender?
5.) Should one think of the world as god's will?
6.) Also, beauty, strength, grace and all positive qualities come from atman, but where do negative qualities come from? Can negative qualities, for a beginner such as I, also be attributed to the atman? Or they come from another source? Negative qualities include ugliness, weakness etc...
7.) Also, my pranayama progress is slow. You have said before that my body should get accommodated to the practice. However, progress is very slow at the present. Is that a result of previous karma that I am undoing? And is success in pranayama necessary to merge in the self? And can progress in pranayama (seconds of retention) be used to infer the spiritual progress of an aspirant?
8.) How can one think of himself as an instrument at some times and then believe one is not an instrument but is the supreme self at other times? I find this very difficult. If I am an instrument of the supreme, how can I say I am the supreme at other times?
9.) During meditation, you have said one's attitude should be "I am He." But this implies that there are two entities. In this case, who am I? Who is identifying with "He?"
10.) Is the term Jiva that is often used identical to the term ego?
I am sorry if there are two many questions, but please sir, I require your help and insight to solve this current problem I am facing.
1. Performing activities without attachment to the fruits aligns the mind into the self. Then one is merged with God, despite external involvement.
2. One should serve God to annul the Ego.
3. It is the Jiva (Ego identified consciousness). When the Ego is annulled, pure consciousness alone remains. That is the self.
4. It is again the Ego. The Ego cannot allow or disallow anything, being unreal. HE alone does so.
5. The world is the Lordís classroom, where the Ego learns of its non-existence, to merge into the truth.
6. Positive or negative does not exist in reality. The Atman alone is the truth and it is complete. There is nothing positive or negative there, being beyond both these. The concept of duality concerns the illusory Ego, which perceives things relatively, further to ignorance. The more one distances from the truth, it is termed that the more Ďnegativeí things become, for the sake of understanding.
7. Be patient and persevere.
8. One should always think of himself as an instrument, for as long as there is thought, there is an Ego. When one becomes the self (Supreme), he does not think. He ISÖ Silence
9. The Ego is associating with the Supreme, to annul and dissolve.
10. The Jiva is the Ego identified consciousness .
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)