Celibacy/Abstinence/Detachment, Yoga, Absolution
Salutations to you Dhananjay Sir,
Before i ask you any questions i feel it as necessary to give you some details of my life(no names included).
1.Sexually abused at 6-7 years old by a female cousin of same age: Effect : Desire to exert dominion over women as revenge, strained relationship with mother and failed relationship with girlfriend in school(no physical pleasure involved) as a result.
2.Inferiority Complex at 12-13 years old, when everyone began to notice and became very verbal that i was an introvert and my younger brother was and is kind of a rockstar.
3.Addicted to masturbation, gaming, TV shows to cope with depression: 500-600 times repetition of the suicidal act till date.
4.Allergic rhinitis (cold air, pollen/dust)
I suffered from childhood Tonsillitis which after being cured manifested into Allergic Rhinitis(AR); it absolutely wrecks the nervous system on par with masturbation as far as my experience is concerned; which naturally made me hate my supposedly defective body. I always had a natural hatred towards women and used to see them as objects of physical, emotional pleasure only and was revolted by the idea of marriage. Even then, somewhere in my mind I have always longed for peace but tried to find it in all the wrong places. I was always good at learning concepts and applying them. But, after beginning to masturbate, the spark that i used to feel slowly chipped away. In early 2014 i resorted to bodyweight exercises in an effort to stop masturbation and succeeded for three months. And i confronted my failed relationship in school after 7 years of denial. For a certain amount of time, it felt like the end of the world for me. And, in a way it was, because i finally gave up the idea of bodily pleasure. I have been an on-off celibate since January 2014.
I am aware of the 7 year karmic cycle and the synchronization of behavioural and life patterns with the 12 year solar cycle(my cycle is just around 15 days). I have realized that the source of all pain and misery is attachment(to the self, to family, to all material things) and in particular that a woman is the source of all pain for a man and vice versa. After realizing this, I studied Practise of Brahmacharya by Swami Sivananda and Brahmacharya: Celibacy Attained with Understanding by Gnani Purush Dadashri.Then I took a vow of brahmacharya on 17/8/15 and broke it on 31/8/15. The desire that i felt at that time was 10 times the most i have ever felt, but, the ensuing guilt and debility that i felt was 100 times the most i ever did. After that, my mind has been free of sexual thoughts for the most part of this month with no physical breaks, though i had a wet dream on 2/9/15, it was mostly prostatic fluid. The most helpful step that has worked for me so far is regular yoga, physical exercise and ever constant recitation of Vishnu mantra(tvamewa mata'ch pita tvamewa....).
Finally, after preparing for GATE-15 for a year and failing to secure expected marks, was a wakeup call for me. After reading the aforementioned books, i have developed a disgust towards the HUMAN body in general. Please understand that i have always subconsciously hated all material pursuits. Also, i have, since childhood, always hated being in company of people, because all most of them ever talk about is money/sex/marriage/food/house etc., including most of my friends and extended family members(not parents, they are materialistic about relationships).
Q1.How do i recover my memory, lost self-confidence and absolute brahmacharya to succeed in this world, so that i can continue my path to absolution?
Q2.I have increasingly grown detached to everyone and everything including my parents on some level. How do i behave in order not to hurt them? How do i get over anger and the guilt of my past sins?
Q3.As days have passed by since 2014, i have become more and more convinced that marriage or any form of sexual relationship is not my cup of tea because i neither have the mental setup nor desire to keep a woman. How do i break this news to my parents when the time comes? Can it be said that the will of the Lord will manifest in either me being as obstinate as a mountain even at the threat of being restigated from the family or being a cowardly mouse and succumbing to the first signs of pressure or in my parents being totally ok with it? Because i am aware of "Pitru Runa" or "father's debt", though my younger brother will very easily fill the gaps i will leave. And what about not being eligible for moksha if you don't have a son(according to gita, somewhere)?
Q4.I read somewhere that cold showers increase the intercellular spaces of the cells on the skin and facilitate better absorption of the spiritual, mental, physical benefits of yoga. On account of my allergic rhinitis, the cold morning air while practising yoga after cold baths almost 7/10 days triggers my chronic sneezing which continues till evening, wrecking my whole day. I have noticed an increase in body heat due to brahmacharya but, it still is not enough. Can i use any oil on my body before cold baths to prevent my allergy or will it serve as an impediment to the process of absorption of spiritual energy that i stated earlier in this question, because the option of bathing even 2 hours after yoga with warm water makes me feel very lazy and sleepy?
Q5.What is the difference between Anulom Vilom, also known as Nadi Shuddhi according to Dr P.D.Sharma's Yoga book and Nadi Shodhana? How to properly perform Kapalabhati to cure my kapha dosa?
Q6.What do you think about breathing through the mouth? If it is spiritually harmful,how and what to do when someone is going to yawn?
Q7.Do simple bodyweight exercises count as violence towards the body? And if so, will my Kama-Krodha in any way be increased by moderate or excessive exertion?
Q8.Lastly, am I wrong to feel that I don't belong to this era and world(since i was a little boy) and now long to realize Brahman/God/Lord... by breaking all attachments and dissolving all karmic debt, especially when i haven't even stood on my own two feet yet(i am 22/23 and never joined the IT company i was placed in B.Tech because i couldn't handle the idea of the lifestyle involved)? And is "Akhanda Brahmacharya" is the answer to everything or do i come off as a complete idiot?
Thank you for reading till the end,
A Fellow Aspiring Brahmachari.
Simpy adhere to honest Yogic practice to realize the Atman (self), via Brahmacharya, in the path HE will show. All else will be taken care of.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)