I am following the path of truth as it gives me relief from suffering, I do my best to be good and strong through working and cycling. I get so busy sometimes that it can be overwhelming, I like it but it can get to the point where I start to feel that I deserve more than I have and feelings of desire can creep in this lead me to lust which lead me to break.
I get suicidal thoughts, it's like going from heaven to hell. I know that I must stay good and be strong its that simple.
I find it strange how I go from being at peace and doing very well for long, then to be put down all of a sudden which leads to suicidal thoughts as I just don't want to have to deal with going up and down, up and down. I just want to stay up but I always seem to think that going down is worth it, how can I overcome this?
I just dont really want to be in this world at all to be honest and my incentive for being good is that I hate the feeling of inner pain in this world. I just don't want to be here but I have to. Im trying to love! My patience starts to wear thin for what I truly want if it's even possible.
1. One must reside in the Atman (self), not letting desire, expectation and self pity to raise their heads. Such a one is blessed.
2. Past Samskara-s (impressions) creep up from within at opportunistic moments, oscillating ones peace. One has to burn these through Sadhana till the self alone remains. That is eternal.
3. One in the quest of the self realizes the fallacy of the external world and turns his mind inward to realize the truth. There is no pleasure in the senses and the world. That which one seeks outside through worldly attractions is within and not out there. This is the truth. Eternal bliss of indescribable magnitude is the Atman. An exceptional Sadhaka who perseveres relentlessly realizes this at the destined time.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)