Celibacy/Abstinence/Temptation in the warmth of a bed
I thank you for your patience in answering me. I wrote to you about a month ago about a girl in my class who makes me feel really aroused; some fantasy about her whilst I was trying to fall asleep in bed was enough to make me lose my purity and ejaculate, after a 4 months streak. I didn't feel so horrible as the past relapses, but still feel that a lot of purity is lost.
You were so right, keeping my mind (and body) focused on her just for some seconds can be enough to let me fall for Maya.
Anyway, this time I feel optimistic and hopeful about "my" ability (which actually is God's Grace) to replace sexual fantasies with something more constructive. The great beasts are pride and lust, indeed I find myself impatient to "beat" this streak and reach one year. This means that I will likely spend the next months just with the first focus to get better at purity. I'm realizing more and more how some part of me just wants to be admired by women and by God for "its" purity (which is just my hypocricy). I can't help it. These next months will be just numbers to beat a previous record of purity. I'm thinking about changing courses also in order not to have to see the girl I like so often.
I know that this is not true Brahmacharya, but the ego in me is very strong.
I shall enjoy sleeping and eating less, and a life of renounces, in order to wake up earlier and not be trapped in the horrible prison which is my bed. Can eating less help me to sleep less? I sleep in a room with another guy, so I can't take the habit of sleeping on the floor like you suggested. I'm realizing how dangerous a warm bed really is for an aspirant. To me this has been one of the major obstacles.
I'm sorry to write to you with such pride and egoism, if possible try to see my true inner Truth, which often I cover up with hypocricy and pride. I hope I can write to you again in a completely different state of mind of humility, God willing.
The Ego, which is nothing but Maya itself finds various ways to trap and victimize the mind. The alert Sadhaka should stay clear of all these through regular Sadhana, humility and surrender to the higher power. Then, stability comes slowly.
1. One should neither overeat nor starve but resort to 'Mitaahara' (a balanced diet). Details on this topic are available in past answers.
2. Sleeping on the floor does not imply sleeping on the bare ground. A few simple sheets or layers of cloth & a hard pillow are put on a carpet or mat. Soft, highly cushioned beds and pillows are bad for health and not for the Brahmachari who is in the quest of the self.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)