Celibacy/Abstinence/Difficulty in the world
I am aiming for complete surrender, unquestionable purity in mind and body, unbreakable. I fall short of this many many times and I feel ashamed and childish now as it feels immensely insane giving up what I receive from life in a state of brahmacharya.
It's a repeating of events and it goes like this, I swear of all hindrances and remain so for weeks not even months get bored and end up rebeling with silly alcohol or ciggarette (I feel I have conquered these although my little relapses say otherwise) I know these substances are pointless and only lead to destruction and lowliness yet i still get attracted to the flame like the moth after lowly thoughts get a hold.
I feel stress that I feel this is a mighty! test living in England with all its material wealth and easily accessible negative substances and women everywhere!
I quite frankly feel that is it even possible for me to attain brahmacharya living here working a job that leads to money which leads to property which leads to more desires, I see the monks practicing martial arts on TV and feel envious that these monks are living a well discipline life with the benefit of brotherly support in remote area. I'm Fed up of being surrounded by hedonists.
I have not experienced great wealth in this lifetime yet it is great compared to 3rd world. Do I have to experience millionaire lifestyle to renounce it all or can I just go somewhere that is simple and lovable?
All aspirants go through failure en route. It is a process that is overcome when consistent and honest Sadhana vacates the seeds of 'Agnyana' (ignorance). One has to take the path which is laid for him in destiny and work his way up. It is not that a monk finds it easy or that the man of the world has it tough. The fight is within and not outside.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)