Celibacy/Abstinence/High difficulties_I beseech you to help me
I am at a desperate crossroads at the moment and without the help of the almighty, I am almost certain to plunge into depression. I am currently battling near-suicidal thoughts. Please advise me and I will not violate an inch from your words. I am growing up as a young man in the West. No one in my family would understand my desire for Sadhana (my mother is an innocent housewife; my father's side of the family is highly lustful and I hate even associating with them).
I deeply apologize for the long message but I implore your advice. I have decided to live in semi-seclusion and quit my job for a period of 3 months and I would like to solicit your teachings before continuing on this path.
1) The almighty is the one who guides all actions. He, however, seems determined to not let me succeed in my celibacy practice. I think this may be due to my past karma (I had a vision of having been a prostitute in my previous life. The prostitute turned to a life of yoga late in life, but alas it was not enough to wipe out the karma accrued and thus I took this birth).
The problem-At roughly 3 weeks to one month of starting practice, some terrible event destroys practice. One time it was a massive nocturnal emission. Another time, I always sleep on my back but something in my dream forced me to roll over and the pressure caused an emission.
So much energy is spent into maintaining practice and I feel weak and helpless when HE decides to take it away heartlessly. Please advise.
2) My life is thoroughly ruined due to my weak digestion. I cannot eat anything but rice, cooked pasta, made mild without spices. Even slightly larger quantities of food or mildly flavored food cause intestinal havoc-The stool is malformed, is constipated to the point of pain, or remains mushy and does not come out. Without clean bowels, I have no peace of mind. Kindly advise medicines, yogic postures, or anything else that may help.
3) I am somewhat disgusted to say that I know of a friend who felt a sexual pull/attraction to his first cousin. Karmically, why does the almighty pose such an unfavorable situation to certain people and what are the karmic repercussions of incest? I wish to say the right thing to him as he has put in trust in me and confided this.
4) I realize that hankering after the fruits of brahmacharya is not advisable and only reaching the Supreme should be the ultimate goal. For the sake of this weak mind and novice Jiva, please tell me if one's overall health (digestion) and cognitive power/memory increase further to the practice. If these are present, I promise to use these powers for good-but I would really like to know roughly how long it may take before a few benefits are seen. I have heard, for instance, of yogis who after brahmacharya started remembering memories they forgot. I also want to accrue a level of wealth so I do not have to WORRY about money (key difference! I do not money to splurge. I want money for peace of mind to meet bodily needs and take care of my family).
5) When Swami Vivekananda spoke of the Medha Nadi, was he speaking specifically of the power of eidetic/photographic memory or was he speaking generally of brahmacharya's benefits? Swami Vivekananda was naturally bright and may have had such a strong cognitive capability from birth, from my reading of the great Swami's works.
6) My most important question to you is this. Due to my weak digestion, ill health, lack of energy, and lack of peaceful surroundings for sadhana, I have decided to take 3 months off to live separately from my parents. I plan to only meditate during this time and only work on a few constructive activities for my personal growth. I quit my job in New York because the stress and tumult wreaked havoc on me. It was like what Raja Bhatrihari said: I let go of almost all material attachments, yet this cursed mind wandered and gazed at every pretty woman on the street.
7) What is the correct way to handle a bout of lust when it comes up? Cognitively, I think about the false nature of the flesh and then at home, I shift the mind to the almighty. But this cognitive process of forcing oneself to think about the false nature of the flesh, to exercise willpower, etc. drains the mind of energy tremendously. Am I doing the right thing?
I will follow your words to a tee. Please give me a chance, guru, and I will not fail once more in my quest.
This internal war is the war of Kurukshetra in the Mahabharata, which the diligent aspirant wins through Sadhana and surrender to the Lord. An exceptional Sadhaka perseveres with unwavering tenacity, following which the obstacles fragment and dissolve with time.
Do the suggested Sadhana with childlike devotion to the Lord. Things will fall in place and the answers will reveal.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)