Expert: Don - 1/9/2008

Question
My husband had an affair and now he wants me to befriend her because he wants to remain her friend. My husband is not the cheating type. His first wife cheated on him and he walked in on it and I never thought he would do that to me because of how bad he was hurt. After 9 years of marriage and being together 11, he had an affair for only 3 weeks before I found out about it. It was with a girl from work that he sees periodically. Now he has chosen to be with me and for all pretenses it's over with her but they still talk on the phone and send e-mail. I've asked him to cut all ties with her because even though he swears that he won't do that again because of all the pain and upset that has appended to both sides. She had been in a relationship for over 10 years and once he found out he left her and my husband feels responsible and obligated not to leave her stranded. He thinks that if I meet her and become friends that she will loose the desire to be "with my husband on a physical level" because I'll be a face/person instead of "the wife". I have thought about kicking him out so we can both think about what's happened and our future but I feel that if I do I'll just be pushing him back into her arms, even though he swears that it is over between them on that level. I also don't want him to leave because we have 4 children, two from his first marriage (that live with us full time) and two of our own. I am trying so hard to be strong for everybody involved, even considered being her friend, seriously. I've started working out at the gym, to try to achieve the before babies body that this women has(whose never had a child). He seems to want me because he realizes that I'm the better choice but he can't stop thinking about her and everyday there's something new for me to hear about.  I'm glad that he is open and honest telling me about how he called her and what the call was about so that I don't find out about it later and get upset. I am just hurt and am caught in a web tangle that I've never been in, never thought I'd be in.
I don't know what to do or even think, help?

Answer
Please don't tell me you are seriously considering being friends with a woman who had an affair with your husband. Don't you realize how disrespectful to not only you personally but also to your marriage for him to continue to have any kind of contact with this woman at all? And to have the nerve to actually ask you to befriend her is even worse.

You should never allow your husband to stay involved with a woman he had sex with during your marriage for any reason, because what's to stop him from sleeping with her again. You telling him, it's okay to remain friends with her is like giving him an open invitation to sleep with that woman whenever he wants.

You need to tell him, to make a choice, does he want his wife and his family or does he want to be friends with this woman? But under no circumstances should you agree to meet or even try to be friends with this woman, that's just asking for trouble.