Expert: Don - 1/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: I met him online a few months ago and we got along well. I was a virgin then, but wanting to rid myself of that title, so we agreed to meet. I'm 18 years old and still living with my parents...who would flip out if they knew what I was doing. He's nice, and we get along well. I'm not attracted to him romantically, but I'm sexually curious. He was really great about it being my first time and all, but he was a little paranoid about his wife (a nurse on the night shift) finding out about anything. (He washed all the sheets on the bed and brought me in the back door so neighbors wouldn't see, drove 30 minutes from his house to buy condoms, etc.

Anyway, we didn't talk for a while after that and I was wondering if he was blowing me off, but he wasn't. Long personal story involving his wife there. But he texted me and he "really really wants to see me again and again and again". I'm not in love. But I am horny. I liked sleeping with him, and I want to do it again and again and again. Should I feel guilty? He doesn't at all. He says he loves his wife and doesn't want to hurt her. I understand that. But he also says that he wants to keep seeing me, because she doesn't satisfy him sexually. I want to do that for him. It turns me on being his secret.

He said something disconcerning though: "You don't know how good it is to just get some attention." I don't mind being his little replacement sexual toy, but I don't want to be his emotional wife-replacement too. When he said it we were in the car ride home just talking about him and his desires and his life and his dad (who is dying of cancer). It sounded...like an emotionally charged statement to me.

I wanna keep seeing him, but I want to be sure I know that we're on the same page.

ANY advice about any facet of this issue would be super helpful. The more advice the better I can be prepared in this situaion. Thank you so much. :)

ANSWER: If I were you I would find a less emotional person to have my sexual exploration on, the appears to already have some kind of emotional connection to you if he's talking to you about his family issues and his dying father, that's not a subject you discuss with somebody who is just a sexual partner and seeing as how you don't want any kind of emotional relationship with this guy, it would be better that you cut him off and find some other man to practice on.

I would recommend a guy more your age, between 18-21 who could have sex with you and form no emotional bond with you. It's easier for a guy that age to do it.

This other guy you're involved with, seems to be in a bad marriage and is using you as an outlet because he doesn't have an emotional connection with his wife, if you aren't careful you're going become his new emotional wife and seeing as how you don't want that, you might not want to be involved with him any longer.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: They're not really family issues per se, just that his wife is never around and stuff. I dunno, maybe I'm just pretending he doesn't seem like he's forming an attachment. He's 26. Not too much older than me.

Should I feel guilty? I don't. At all. I feel like that makes me a bad person. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty!

Answer
You should feel guilty in the sense that you're sleeping with somebody else's husband and possibly breaking up their marriage, no person should be happy about that. The fact that you don't feel guilty doesn't make you a bad person but it is odd that you can't understand the pain that would come if your husband cheated on you. Imagine if you were married, would you be happy if your husband was banging some 18 year old he met off the Internet.

Still you should find a younger man, to practice on and leave the married guy alone.