Expert: Don - 2/7/2008

Question
Hello, I am a 30 year old divorced woman. My ex and I have a 4 year old together and are still good friends.  We split 2 1/2 years ago after 9 years because although we were good friends there was no passion between us. I have been dating a man for 1 1/2 years and we've lived together for 6 months.  After dating for 6 months I found out that he had been e-mailing and texting with someone he used to date that lives in another state. He left his e-mail open on my computer and that's how I found out.  The e-mails were very flirtatious and not something that I was not ok with for a multitude of reasons.  I was hurt and I made it very clear to him that carrying on this type of communication while you are in a relationship is not acceptable to me.  We have been able to move past that but have communication issues and always seem to misunderstand what the other person is trying to say. He is also a very insecure/controlling person. Although he has never hit me he has pushed me around during arguments and at times will actually pin me down while he rants about whatever is bothering him. (never in front of my daughter) I have supported him financially for 9 months while he was in the process of starting his own business and I added him to my cell phone plan. Last month my bill was more than usual so I actually printed it out and looked at it to figure out why.  He had gone way over and his minutes and texts. I discovered at that point he had been talking and texting with a specific number A LOT.  I questioned him about it and initially he lied to me. A couple days later I asked him about it again because some of his answers just didn't make sense to me.  He came clean that he has been talking to another woman for a couple weeks, he claims they were talking about our relationship. She was someone he met through a female friend of his. He claims she helped him realize how much her cares for me and how badly he wants our relationship to work. I believe that he didn't have a physical relationship with her but I have made it clear to him that I am not ok with this either. I understand that he wasn't getting from me something he needed and looked else where to find it. I am more hurt that he didn't try to work this out with me instead of turning to another woman. Am I stupid to believe that I am what he wants?  I have moved out and I'm not sure I can forgive him again.  He is calling me 10 times a day telling me how badly he needs/wants me to be in his life. He no longer needs my financial support. I am a successful woman with great friends/family and for the first time in my life I am really insecure. I'm really confused. He made a conscious decision to do this knowing how badly I would be hurt by his actions and he did it anyway. Any words of wisdom? Thank you for your time and have a wonderful day.


Answer
Don't take this the wrong way because I'm not trying to be rude but this is the only way I can say it to get my point across.

YOU WOULD BE AN IDIOT TO STAY WITH THIS MAN!!!

He's using you and the fact that he has already put his hands on you, should be a huge red flag that this isn't the man for you. It all starts with pushing and holding down and while he hasn't actually hit you yet it's not a far from pushing to punching.

Plus he's doing nothing for you, you're helping him financially and the only thing he can do to replay you for your help is to flirt and start relationships with other women. What good is this man to you?

He puts his hands on you, which is never something a man should do to a woman. He's taken advantage of your kindness and using your money and phone to be involved with other women.

What would make you go back to him? Like you said you're a successful woman, why waste your time on a man that isn't equal to you.

You shouldn't have to lower yourself to this guy's level just to have a man in your life. Take this opportunity he has given you by cheating with these women and walk away while you still can.

Please leave this man while you can.

I hope this helped and good luck.