Expert: Don - 2/5/2008

Question
My wife had (at least) an emotional affair about a year and a half ago. I sensed something was wrong and put spyware on her computer. Needless to say I got what I was looking for. I don't know if she's been physically unfaithful to me in the past but it's always been in the back of my mind.

Some background

I'm a bit of a geek and not good with the ladies. I'm your average 'guy friend.' This is not to say that I'm totally unattractive. My wife says that when she met me I gave off the 'already attached' vibe. I'm intelligent, anatomically well endowed and am very fit. However, my vibe thing is probably one of the reasons why I was a virgin when we met. Her friends were surprised that she started dating me seriously, I found out later. I also found out that I really wasn't what she was into at the time. She told me that she's grown to love me but I have my doubts. She was pregnant within 9 months of our dating and I think she settled. I was a catch compared to her former lovers/ boyfriends. Educated, employed, ethical. An all around OK kind of guy.

Fast forward 10 years. We've had a rocky relationship but things seem to be improving. We're doing better financially, matrimonially and life seems good. Almost too good. I put the spyware on my wife's computer to basically show myself that I'm just being paranoid. She's told me a thousand times that she loves me and only me, that I would be the first to know if she was thinking about having an affair, that she was more worried about me finding someone than herself. She's somewhat heavy and has had self-esteem issues all her life. Needless to say I was devastated! There were worse times in our relationship when I wondered about her fidelity and I passed this off as paranoia as well. I know it doesn't mean anything but still. To top things off the guy(s) she's interested in are nothing like me (racially). I'm black, my wife's white and she seems to have a preference for white guys (white, rocker guys to be specific).

I don't want to hurt my wife but I just want to get even. I don't think I can get past all of this until we're even. Until she thinks about my fidelity as much as I think about hers.

I guess it sounds like I'm looking for a reason to cheat on her and I guess I am. I've only been with one woman in my entire life. She's been with quite a few more. I have suspicions that she's been unfaithful since soon after we were married. Should I take the leap?

Answer
Cheating doesn't usually help situations like this, it tends to make things work. Think about it, so you go out and cheat on your wife, does it really change anything, will that really make you feel any better about the fact that she went out and disrespected you and slept with another man? It probably won't because even though it would mean that you've went out and slept with another woman, it will do nothing to stop the pain of her hurting your feelings to begin with by cheating on you.

Right now you have the upper hand because you haven't done anything and you have been faithful to her. You should use this to make her feel guilty about her actions and get her not to do them again in the future.

If you really want to try and fix your relationship and continue to be with your wife, cheating on her because she cheated on you is not going do anything to fix the problem, it'll push the two of your further apart. What you need to do is sit down with your wife and discuss where the two of you went wrong as to why this relationship isn't working for either of you.

So I wouldn't go out and cheat on her, I would try to fix my marriage before bringing another woman into the middle of it.