Expert: Don - 2/15/2008

Question
Hi Don, thanks for reading my question. I am 28, my fiancee is 21. We've been together for over a year and half. We've been living together for most it. We've set our wedding date for September of this year, although the planning is currently stalled due to lack of money by her parents. My fiancee does not drive, and does not have a cell phone. She works and does help pay for things, but is pretty dependant on me. I have had this nagging gut feeling that she is cheating on me. There are a few instances that stick out that just scream infidelity. I'll list them, and let you decide if I'm correct in my thinking. All of this has taken place in the last 4 months.

1. For the past 4 months, our sex life has dramatically changed. We used to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. In the last 4 months, we've had sex 4 maybe 5 times.

2. Our bed frame is broke in one corner, so we have that corner of the bed supported by a couple tool boxes. I came home from work one night and found the tool boxes had come out from underneath the bed. On the floor next to the bed was my cock ring, that we rarely use. We keep this in our "sex drawer" of our nightstand. She was home in the morning and didn't go into work until noon.

3. One night when we both got home from work, she got undressed. Underneath her work clothes she had on a black piece of lingerie. It was sexy...definitely something you wear for someone. I had never seen it before. I asked her about it and she explained that she wore it because it sucked in her fat. That day she wore it, was the last day I've seen her wear it. I would think if it sucked in her fat like she said, then she would wear it again, since she still has some fat? Got me thinking.

4. A guy she worked with text messaged me one afternoon. All the text said was "hey". I text him back saying who is this? He replied with "i work with Sarah". Well, I found this odd, since if he was texting someone whom he knew didn't know him, why would just say "hey"? I talked to Sarah(my fiancee) about this, and she said that he worked at a haunted house and was going to try and get us free tickets. Thats why he text me. Why he couldn't just go through Sarah at work, I don't know. But in the end, we never got tickets and it was forgotten. Funny,huh?

5. A few months ago, she deleted an email account that she had for a long time. Now she has a new one which she openly told me about.

6. She still carries around a picture of her and her ex boyfriend, she has it in the picture part of her wallet right behind a picture of me and her.

7. I had a talk about the lack of sex in our lives. When I say lack of sex, I mean that seriously. No hand jobs, no oral, she would get angry if I tried to touch her. She said that she was suffering from depression and that was the reason for lack of sex. She said that she would go to the doctor for help. Well, its been a couple weeks, and she just keeps putting it off. No doctor.

These are the main things that have my brain thinking that she is cheating. I've asked her straight up if she was, and she has told me that she would never do such a thing. Her sister just found out that her husband cheated on her, so with that going on, my fiancee told me there is no way she could cheat. Should I trust my instincts and the above stuff, or just throw caution to the wind and trust her? If she is cheating, I want to catch her and basically make her feel as bad as possible for cheating on me.

Also, I honestly treat her as well as humanly possible. Leaving her little notes, buying her sentimental gifts, writing her poetry, giving her back rubs and foot rubs. I am a great boyfriend/fiance.

What do you think? I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read this long question. I look forward to hearing your analysis of this difficult situation. Thank you.

Answer
First off you should always trust your instincts, that's basically the reason why we have instincts is to warn us about things that are bad for us, and if your instincts are giving you a funny feeling it wouldn't be start of you to ignore them. Our instincts most of the times try to show us things that we don't want to admit to ourselves. So always follow your instincts and if they're telling you she's cheating then look into it before it's to late.

As far as some of your reasons, I'll try to go through some of them and help you work with them.

1. As far as the sex goes, I do usually find in cases of cheating that sexual patterns do change for the cheater. I usually see this mainly in men but it also happens with women. What happens is they get their sexual fix from some other place so they don't look for it at homes, this is actually how a lot of people first feel that their partner is cheating. Because one day they want sex constantly and the next day they could care less about sex is a sign that something isn't right.

2. There is no definitely proof that she did anything, but it is rather suspicious that the bed would just fall off the toolbox and seeing as how she doesn't have a penis, the only way she would have your cock ring outside of that drawer is if some guy was using it.

3. Usually another sign that somebody is cheating is, they'll start to buy new and sexy underwear but they'll never wear it for their partner, so it's obviously getting worn somewhere else. You should question her as to why she hasn't been wearing them anymore, or ask her why she never wore that sexy outfit for you. And you could also ask her who is she sucking her fat in for anyway?

4. This could mean anything, it is odd for this guy to text you but it doesn't mean she is cheating. It doesn't really make sense for him to text you because like you said if they work together and he really wanted to give the two of you tickets he could have just given them to her and you didn't even have to know he existed. I don't really understand why this random guy texted you at all, but he obviously got your number from your girlfriend, why she gave it to him, I couldn't tell you. Possibly they're involved and he went through her phone and got your number like that.

5. The e-mail account is no big deal, in my life I've had over 10 to 15 e-mail accounts people change those all the time.

6. I find this to be very bizarre and disrespectful to you and the relationship. She shouldn't still have pictures of her old boyfriend in her wallet. It seems to be the only reason she'd keep that is if she was stuck in the past and still had feelings for this guy. Other than that there is no reason to have a constant reminder of your past relationships in your wallet.

7. As far as her depression, not wanting to have sex could be caused by depression, but she would have other changes to in her mood, it wouldn't just be the sex, you'd notice her acting different in other ways. The fact that she won't see a doctor about it is troubling as well, because if she was truly sick, you'd think she would do whatever she could to help herself, especially if it was effective your relationships in a negative way.

If I were you I would sit her down and have a serious talk with her about the way you are feeling. If you don't your relationship will suffer, the more you think she's up to something the greater the strain on the relationship, so definitely talk to her and don't ignore your feelings.

Like I said before, we all have instincts for a reason and if yours are telling you something is going wrong, it's better for you to investigate them and be wrong instead of ignoring them and have them be right. So talk to her and watch her closely.