Expert: Don - 2/13/2008

Question
QUESTION: My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years now and for the past year we haven't been getting along.  Our main problem is sex and the fact that he wants it much less then I do.  He is a great guy but I feel very trapped with him and I find him very boring.  We fight all the time and it is very emotionally draining.  I moved to a different city to be with him and I had to leave my family and friends behind and start all over again so as of right now I don't have much of a life outside of him.  I have fooled around once on him in the past but no sex happened.  The other day I went for coffee with a guy I have been talking to online and we ended up making out and both of us wanted more, he said that he wants to see me again and I really want to see him too.  The only problem is that he is married and has a hard time getting out of the house and I am new to the city and my bf knows that I only know one friend as of now.  I do love my bf very much and the last thing I want to do is throw this relationship away for someone else who could end up fixing things with his wife, but I do want to see where it could go with this new guy....what should I do?? I don't want my bf to find out because I don't want to hurt him but on the other hand I wont be able to see the new guy much if I stay with my bf...and I have nowhere else to go if I leave my bf....please help.

ANSWER: You don't want to get involved with a married man if you expect to have a future with him. There is no future with a married man. He's never going leave his wife, so if you're trying to get with this married man in an attempt to make a relationship with him, don't waste your time because it's not going to happen. Now if you just want to have an affair with the married guy, then that's possible but it will never be more than the two of you having sex, you'll never get him to leave his wife ever.

As far as your boyfriend goes, it appears you don't want to be with him anymore, you're bored with him and you are already trying to find another man. How about instead of cheating on your boyfriend, you just break up with him and move back to your old town, instead of trying to force a relationship with your boyfriend whom you aren't happy with anymore.

Don't waste anymore of your time being in a relationship you aren't happy in.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I understand that perhaps he will never leave his wife for me but he does claim that he wants to leave her as they fight all the time and he doesnt love her anymore.  Isnt it worth trying?

Answer
Okay if he really was that unhappy with his wife, he would have left her by now. He only tells you he's going leave her so you'll get involved with him. I've seen this same situation a thousand times and the guy doesn't leave his wife, he stays married and he keeps telling the woman on the side he's going leave but the time isn't right, or he'll say just until the kids get a little older and can understand or he'll say he doesn't have the money to leave her right now, just excuse after excuse.

You asked for my advice and I'm suggesting you don't become involved with a married man and except a real relationship out of it. You can be his mistress but you'll never be the number one woman in his life.

Feel free to do what you want though, you don't have to take my advice, if you want to be with him go for it, but you'll see that I was right eventually.