Expert: Melissa Durazo - 3/7/2008

Question
I dated a girl for 8 months and we were incredibly in love with each other. She lived at home and her parents were extremely religious and strict and wouldn`t let her date so she had to sneak out at night to be with me.  We did this for the entire 8 months with nothing too sexual other than me kissing her, touching her breasts and fingering her.  Well then she decided she wanted to move in with me since I had just got an apartment so she left and came to be with me  . Her family was devastated and basically made her feel like she was no longer accepted by them.  
A few days into living together I asked her if I could have sex with her and she said ok ... so we went into the bedroom and tried... unfortunately she was very tight and I didn`t have any lube so I got part way in .. like maybe an inch and she was telling me that it hurt .. I stopped ... then tried again a couple more times with both times her saying it hurt really bad. She never actually told me to stop but I got out of the mood because of this due to the fact I felt I was hurting her too much so I stopped out of concern for her.  This is where I made a mistake ... I got selfish after that and asked her if she could at least give me oral sex since I stopped to keep her from being so uncomfortable. She said ew no that`s gross there`s no way I`m doing that... I kept asking her ... trying to convince her and it turned into an argument and she ended up sleeping on the couch.  I realize I should have gone out and comforted her and said sorry but instead feeling hurt and rejected by her unwillingness to do something for me to make me feel better... I laid there in bed and left her alone.  Part of me was hoping she would see  that it wasn`t a big deal and how upset I was and she would come back but she didn`t.  She saw it as a cold . selfish man who she had just had her first sexual experience with ... who just rolled over and got mad at her and didn`t love her.    

That was the furthest thing from the truth!  For me it was just the sexual frustration that had built up over all those months of buying her flowers and rings and other things to win her affection and basically building the relationship to the point where I needed that sexual realease.  I loved her at that point more than words can express even if my actions didn`t show it that`s how I felt in my heart.  

Anyways, after that everything went down hill ... her Aunt who is also very religious but has been raped in the past so has some form of bitterness towards men ... called her and convinced her that what she was doing was a sin - living with me out of wedlock- and that her family would never accept the relationship because of that and also because I am 10 years older than her.  

She told me the next day that she needed to leave me and go live with this aunt..
I begged with her and pleaded for her not to go for 2 hours straight with no luck.  She said she was going and that I couldn`t stop her.  She then said we could continue to date from her aunts house and she told me that she loved me.  I had said it to her several times but she had never said it to me and hearing that made me feel at ease in some small way.  

She told me that a guy friend of hers was going to pick her up and that he would take her to the aunts house. I had to drive her to a parking lot where this guy was.  I told her I couldn`t do that and she said well if you don`t then I`ll just have him come pick me up here at the apartment.. So I got her to promise if he tried making any moves on her she would push him away. She promised me that!  

The next day I talked to her and asked if he had done anything and she assured me that he only hugged her.. which I found out later to be true.  Over the next several days she went cold on me .. and I found out later that her aunt and uncle had sat her down and grilled her for 4 hours straight the first day she got there about how she could never be with me again and how it was a sin, etc.

I continued to call and text and email her asking her to come back to me or at least see me ... eventually she agreed to come over to my apartment... where she let me touch her breasts and kiss her but they were very cold kisses.  Then, a couple of days later she let me take her out to dinner and after she let me kiss her again .. once again they were very cold... and this was breaking my heart.

Then, after about a week and a half when I would call or text she told me she was out with this guy friend who picked her up that night ... just hanging out bowling and doing fun stuff as a friend. I kept begging her to come back to me and telling her how much it hurt me that she was out with this other guy.  

I found out later that her aunt knew about this guy and basically was all for her hanging out with him to seperate her ties to me.  He was the same age as her and even though she had a curfew at home at her parents house .. this aunt let her stay out as late as she wanted with this other guy just in my opinion hoping she would be with him and not me.

For my girlfriend ... she saw this as the only way her family would accept her again ... to never see me again... and on my last call her aunt picked up and said ... listen don`t ever call her again she doesn`t want anything to do with you.. I said can you please put her on the phone and let her speak because I know you`ve been using her strong religious beliefs to convince her that what she`s doing is a sin and manipulating her to leave me or she won`t be accepted by the family.  The aunt said to her .. here take the phone and tell him you want nothing to do with him again and to stop calling and texting.  She told me that and my heart sank!  

Well I stopped calling and texting because that`s what she told me she wanted.  At the end of the third week apart I sent an email explaining how much I loved her and how when I rolled over and laid there while she slept on the couch ... I really did love her more than anything but was just sexually frustrated.  I didn`t keep trying that night to get an erection again and penetrate her because I thought in the coming days or weeks there would be plenty of time for that.  There wasn`t!!

She called me when she got that email and told me that she loved me too more than anything and that she was sorry that she let her family come between us but that now she knew that I really did love her that night and that I still did love her.  She said she would never let family come between us again and that made me feel great!!  What she said next didn`t..... She said first I have something to tell you... and you`re not going to like it...

I had sex!

I felt like someone had just ripped my heart out and crushed it with a sledge hammer!!  I started shaking uncontrollably and crying like a baby... and have several times since... I was just a complete wreck.

After I asked her why and she said that it was to get back at me and also to get back at her parents for treating her like an outcast.

I asked for some details .. I don`t know why but I needed to... like did he use a condom .. she said yes ... and how long it lasted .. she said 10 mins (I asked how she knew and she said cause I was watching the clock and the whole time I was thinking about you)  

I said well why didn`t you make it stop if you were thinking about me .. how could you do that and she said because I wanted to at least have one time that was good since the time with you was so crappy and also for the other reason of getting back at everyone.  I asked her if she enjoyed it and she said no because it hurt.. more in the beginning and less in the end but it was uncomfortable.  

This is the part that kills me!!! and haunts me still... I asked her if she bled and she said yes ... it was then that I thought of her hymen... I didn`t get fully penetrated and although I had fingered her several times before I read that that doesn`t always break the hymen.  My only comfort is where I read on the net that the first penis to enter a woman whether or not it breaks the hymen is the one which took her virginity!  I wanted to be the one soooooo bad!!!

The problem I`m having is that I wanted her first sexual experience to be with me and for her to remember that as girls always remember their first time.  Well technically she felt my penis inside her and it was her first time .. but now I don`t know which one will stick in her brain as her first... the one that most girls have in their memory as the first for their lifetime!  And I don`t want it to be the other person!!   It`s`killing me ... this whole thing is tearing me up inside... I love her more than any other girl I`ve ever loved and this is the most love I`ve ever felt from a girl towards me.  But, the pain is so great whenever I look at her now ... it just kills me that she would have done that ... I waited my whole life for a girl like this ... not just a virgin .. but everything about her.. and I was so happy ... now when I`m with her I see this unbelievably beautiful girl ... and feel this sense of loss and betrayal ... and lost trust in her... .we had such a strong relationship over those 8 months leading up to that point ... we talked on the phone for hours... sent romantic emails .. and for her to throw it all away in 10 mins  to a guy she hardly knew and who only took her out bowling and stuff just kills me.  She was told that this guy had a reputation for doing that too .. just having sex with girls and leaving them and she did it anyways... just to get back at me and her family.  

Like I know at the time she was feeling unloved by myself and her family and it was very tense and with her being coerced by her aunt and uncle through religion to leave me.  But I just can`t get over this.

She hates tattoos on men and women but she tattooed my name on her butt just to prove how sorry she is... yes she is back living with me now after me begging her to come back.   I was confused at that time and in shock... Now I`m thinking I don`t know if I did the right thing cause it haunts me every day ...I watch the clock tick away 10 mins and think of her doing that with someone else!!  

I`ve spent $1000 dollars on a psychologist who is telling me to see her for her good qualities and forgive the past because she was basically under duress when she did what she did.  

I feel so dead and empty inside now ... I had the perfect girl ... the girl of my dreams that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with who whenever I looked at her made me happy just to know she was mine.. she was like a princess to me.  Now I see that beauty but feel a deep pain in my heart and a sadness that is unexplainable.  

She wants to have kids right away and I told her for me .. I can`t do anything here and I`d need to move to the other side of the country so that there was no chance I`d ever even have the possibility of seeing the person she was with or any of the people connected to him that she knows.  She agreed and she`s willing to move with me.

My problem is that I don`t know if even then I will be able to live with it.. What if I get there and have kids with her and then keep feeling that dissappointment and resentment and anger that she could do this to me.  

She has apologized so many times and done so many things for me to make up for this ..  not just the tattoo .. but sexually ... she`s done everything now for me .. including the oral sex that started things in the beginning... as well as being willing to leave her brothers and sisters who she loves more than anything to be with me thousands of miles away!

I feel so empty and sometimes suicidal and I don`t know what to do!!

Answer
Well, It seems that you are relying your happiness on one single person. And, frankly, that is unhealthy and unrealistic. Even if you forgave her, it seems that the doubts will still be in your head. And, for someone to really forgive someone, they must be willing to let it go completely and never bring it up again. I don't think you are ready to forgive. And, I am not convinced that you should be in a relationship right now. You need to take time to take care of yourself, before you can take care of another person.
The fact that you still feel empty and suicidal with her around you says it all. You need to focus on making yourself better. And, stop depending on other people to make you happy. I don't see why your therapist hasn't suggested that, instead of trying to help you patch up your relationship with her. If she truly loves you, she will understand and will be there for you and will wait for you to get better. Just as you waited around for her to come back to you.
But, seriously, you really need to help yourself first and get yourself a better therapist.
Take care & good luck to you.
~ M